Word Pictures

This is the cover of Buffalo Gal, my sweet contemporary romance set in a buffalo ranch in the South Dakota Black Hills, coming this month from Heartsong Presents.
Find out more in the BOOKS section at http://www.maryconnealy.com/
The cover has nothing to do with this days blog it is just pasted in here as part of a totally shameless plug for my soon to be released sweet contemporary romance set in a buffalo ranch in South Dakota, titled, Buffalo Gals.

I've been playing around with this as an exersize in writing. See what you can do with it.
Take the first sentence (or the last) and shine it up. It actually can take a surprisingly long time, this revision thing, but it is absolutely WORTH IT.
In an action scene, to really make things MOVE it needs to be polished and mangled and reworded, cut, add, cut again.

Comedy may actually take MORE work than action.

This line below, the first one, could go funny, it could go furious, I picked my own way and it kind of surprised me the way I picked.

So go for it, if you've got the time.

1) “It’s my birthday," he said. "You should have brought me a card!”

2)The boy was angry at the mailman. He said, “It’s my birthday. You should have brought me a card!”

3) The ten-year-old boy shook his fist at the disappearing mailman. “It’s my birthday. You should have brought me a card.

4) “It’s my birthday!” The ten year old boy saw the empty mail box. Disappointed, he covered his sadness with anger and turned toward the disappearing pickup. Shaking his fist, he yelled at the mailman, “You should have brought me a card!”

5) Excited as he raced down his sloping front lawn, Jeffrey’s white blonde hair blew across his eyes in the cold fall breeze. He left behind the mouth watering scent of the chocolate birthday cake his mom always baked for him. Leaves scattered and crunched under his ragged white Nikes.
He got to the road only seconds after Mr. Sampson had driven away with the spitting sound of wheels on gravel. Jimmy slapped the front of his new blue jeans and red Cornhusker sweatshirt, now coated with dust. He’d put on his best play clothes because of the special day.
With a sharp creak of its rusty hinges, he pulled open the cold metal door of the mail box that was shaped like a green tractor and peeked in at…nothing…empty…Dad had forgotten…again.
He turned toward the disappearing black pickup. Tears bit at his eyes but he told himself it was the blowing dirt. His big brother would never let him forget it if he cried. Instead he narrowed his eyes and shook his fist at that nice old man.
“It’s my birthday!” His voice faded to a whisper as he walked toward the house, his shoulders slumped, his feet dragging. “You should have brought me a card.”

Describe using the five senses:
Seeing


Hearing


Smelling


Touching


Tasting


Feeling words in body language not in words. 'He was angry' is boring to a reader. Instead, his teeth clamped together and he glared.


Set the scene:
What’s his lawn look like?


His mail box?


What time of year is it?


Is he inside or outside?


Alone or with someone?

How does he feel? If you do it right, the reader will not only KNOW how he feels, they'll feel it too. They won't just know he's sad, they'll BE sad. --Mary Connealy