Don't Put Yourself Up a Creek Unless You Should

with guest Melissa Jagears.

Unless your story takes place after 1941, you can’t have your characters ‘up a creek.’ I certainly thought that phrase sounded like Appalachia mountain or Ozark Mountain Hillbilly slang from way before the 1940s, but it isn’t.

Sometimes, I wish I wrote contemporary for the freedom to use any vocabulary word and all the slang I wanted!

The day I decided to stop writing my Young Adult romance novel and start writing historicals.....I became paralyzed after only a few paragraphs. I felt as if I was having to look up every single word and phrase. Stopping every five minutes to chase the elusive date of origin was crippling. I wasn’t a good enough writer to get a story out on paper if I was interrupting myself every five minutes. I asked a few historical writers what they did, and they all encouraged me to forget about it, write that first draft, and fix later.

And I did. But boy did I have quite the time weeding out every anachronistic word. Once it’s on paper, it becomes harder to “see” since it’s now part of the story you lovingly created.

I have avoided reading my published novels after the day I read aloud my freebie novella Love by the Letter to my husband on a long drive and he said, “Isn’t saying ‘turn on the stove’ wrong for the time?”

The second he said it, I smacked my head. Of course it was! I had more than ten people read that novella! Thankfully it was still ebook only and I got to fix it for the print collection “With All My Heart” before it went out on shelves!

The more you write historicals, the more you gain “vocabulary you can’t use” awareness. So I thought I’d share some tips and my online sources for looking things up, because http://www.etymonline.com/ will not always be enough. 

Hopefully even a few of these will be new to more accomplished historical writers. And for those of you that write contemporary....you can just sigh in relief that you don’t have to worry about this!

First, any word you use that is beyond the basics probably should be looked up. Especially idiomatic expressions or slang.

If you find that the word was recorded a year or two after your book’s setting, you’ll have to judge whether or not you want to use it. Of course most words didn’t get recorded until people had been using it for awhile, so a few years before could be all right unless the history of that word is tied up with advances in technology or a war, and other things as that. 

That’s why it’s a good thing to look up more than just the date in one source. For if your character is off in the boonies of the frontier and the new word came about because of people interacting with a telegraph, he or she might not even know the word if they were isolated. Or it might have been recorded, but rarely used until later. So how can you figure this out?

1. The easiest resource to check is  http://www.etymonline.com/  I’m pretty sure most historical writers know about it, and it’s the first place I go. But what if it fails? And you should have more than just one source for anything research related unless you have some nice primary records from your actual setting.

2. If it’s a single word, you can check an unabridged dictionary.

3. If you don’t have a cute little hyper kid that you’re using yours to weigh down, or just plain don’t have one, I find that http://www.merriam-webster.com often has Etymology entries available for some words Etymology.com doesn’t have.  Notice that Merriam Webster dates ‘pipe-dream’ 20 years later than Etymology.com.....hmmmmmm

4. Of course the OED online http://www.oed.com/ (Oxford English Dictionary) is awesome to check, but expensive. See if your library subscribes, and if not, you can always ask if they could. For not only does the OED tell you the etymology of a word, but it shows you the recorded usage. I’m right now begging my library to get a subscription!

5. If I didn’t find it in those sources, the recorded date is really close to my setting and I want to be assured it’s good, I need to find a phrase, or I need to know how likely it was used throughout the years, I can see at a glance with a chart if that word was in recorded use with Google’s ngram viewer.  Click on an image to enlarge and see details.

Google's ngram viewer

This is a chart Google creates by looking up the words or phrases in all of its books throughout the years and tallies how often the search engine finds it during those years. After seeing this chart, I’m going to feel safer using the 1890 date rather than the 1870 date for pipe-dream. BUT what if I really want to use it for 1870? I have another place to look.

But while we’re here. Ngram viewer can also come in handy for phrases. I searched for “bust a gut.”

Google ngrams "bust a gut"

And it can also help you decide between synonyms, what was likely more used in the years you’re looking at. In this case, I looked up all the different ways people refer to their mothers. Of course, this is only what has been recorded in books, and not actual speech, but it gives you a quick idea on the most likely word that would have been used.

Google ngrams

Be sure to look in the link at the bottom labeled “about ngram viewer” because it shows how to clarify your searches. One particularly useful tutorial is how to differentiate a search for a word that can act as different parts of speech.

Google ngrams parts of speech

6. My other tool is Google’s Advanced Book Search. You’ll want to bookmark this because it is not as easy to find as it used to be. https://books.google.com/advanced_book_search

In the picture below, I’ve highlighted the areas that I use to search:

https://books.google.com/advanced_book_search

 First, choose whether you want to enter a word, several words you want in proximity, or choose the exact phrase box for an exact phrase. Choose full view so it only pulls up public domain or Google owned books that you can examine thoroughly so you can see more than just the snippet and check to make sure the date Google claims the books to be from is truly is correct.

Now go down to the Publication Date section, make sure “Return content published between” is chosen and then put at least the ending year date. So if you’re setting is 1880, put that date as the last date, you can even choose a specific month of 1880 if you’d like. Then up in the top right corner, push Google search to get your results.

Now you can look through your entries and see if any of the dates are before your setting time where the snippet suggests the usage you want was indeed being used in that time period.

https://books.google.com/advanced_book_search

https://books.google.com/advanced_book_search

I chose to check out the 1862 text to make sure that the word was being used in the context I wished, and I pressed on the cover and went to the front to find a date and verify that it is indeed from 1862. Then you can cut a little snippet of that and keep it in your documentation/research files.

https://books.google.com/advanced_book_search

Well look at that. If someone wants to clobber me with the Merriam Webster dictionary telling me I can’t use pipe dream before 1890, I’ve got a snippet from 1862 that says it was indeed in existence and used as I like. Now, this magazine is an Engineering magazine, so it might be more appropriate for an engineer rather than a frontier housewife, so that’s another decision to be made.

7. For the origin of highly idiomatic expressions, the best I’ve got is the UK Phrase finder, which isn’t always the best but sometimes I can get help there when I can’t elsewhere.


http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/index.html

8. Print books, I’ve tried to collect cliche and slang dictionaries and other print books that might help, but they are usually not helpful and I only go to them as a last resort. But there is one that I do check fairly often, it’s called English Through the Ages, and you can pick up used copies on Amazon for cheap. It’s nice to have because though it doesn’t always tell you when the word came into use beyond the 50 year space you find it in, when you’re perhaps looking up an insult and you find your insult is no good date wise, you can flip back 50 years and find the insults or slang or emotion words from the previous time period and see if anything will work for you there.

9. In my manuscripts, I use the notes in track changes to keep my snippets proving that the word can be used in the time period because, though I might look it up while writing, invariably in some edit pass I’ll wonder if I verified it and searching my manuscript makes it easy to see if I did indeed look it up instead of doing the whole search all over again. Also, I try to be diligent to keep etymology in mind until the very last editing pass because I’ve had an editor add in an anachronistic word or two.

So, those are the tricks up my sleeve. Does anyone have any other venues to find word and phrase origins? I’d love to have a better place to look up idiomatic expressions than what I have. Please share your sources or the word you wish was used in your writing time period in the comments below! (If you’re a contemporary writer, you could share which archaic word you wished was more in use.)

~*~*~*~*~

I’m giving away my new release, A Heart Most Certain, where I certainly attempted to make sure every word is appropriate for the time period, but if you see one that isn’t, just whistle nonchalantly and keep reading for me, all right?
 

A Heart Most Certain

Melissa Jagears really wished the word ‘jerk’ was an insult used in the late 1800s because really, there just is no good synonym for jerk, and evidently she writes a lot of jerky characters since she’s always searching for a time appropriate alternative that doesn’t sound downright silly. You can find her online atmelissajagears.com, Facebook, Pinterest, and Goodreads.










Please leave a comment if you would like to be entered in this giveaway. Winner announced in the next Weekend Edition.

Juicy Words

Occasionally I’ve written staff interviews or articles for my church’s monthly newsletter, and a friend told me she especially enjoyed reading the ones I wrote because I use what her elementary school-aged son called “juicy words.”
. Naturally, I laughed. Juicy words? . But you know, as writers, isn’t that what we should be aiming for? To make our stories come alive with juicy words and phrases? To use them to paint vivid pictures, evoke emotion and reveal character for our readers?
. Now before you call 911 and demand that my thesaurus be taken away from me, please note that I’m not talking about replacing every word or phrase you use with something utterly out of the ordinary, a deluge of prose that bogs down the story flow and makes readers stagger from one paragraph to the next. (Haven’t you read books where sentences are overwritten and clunky? Far too many sentences that draw you to a screeching halt and unfamiliar words forcing you to grab a dictionary every other page?)
. What I AM talking about is adding a pinch of spice. A splash of color. A tang of taste. Not using the first word or cliché that materializes in your head—and leaving it there on the page, gathering dust. Yes, in first drafts that’s entirely acceptable. Getting the story on the page is first and foremost. But when that draft is done. . . there’s still oodles of work to do!
. JUICY: rich, succulent, flavorful, tasty, full of vitality .
. Check out this example:
. Two words got Trent Michaels’ attention and reminded him of his pre-West Point, pre-deployment days a dozen years ago. . Ruth Logan Herne’s “Reunited Hearts” (April 2011) says it this way: Two words jerked Trent Michaels out of his comfort zone, tunneling him back a dozen years, pre-West Point, pre-deployment.
. Don’t you get an entirely different impression of the scene from Ruthy’s words? The first attempt states the situation nicely enough. The facts are there. But the second makes you feel it. The abruptness of the word “jerked” and the visual “tunneling” make all the difference. You’re there with Trent, aren’t you, as he hurtles back in time?
.
. She thought about the sound the pine needles made as she walked on them, the bugs flying around, the sun making her face feel warm.
. Audra Harder’s “Rocky Mountain Hero” (January 2011) puts it this way: She concentrated on the soft crunch of pine needles beneath her every step, the cloud of gnats buzzing around her ears, the wayward splotch of sunshine heating her face.
. Nice, isn’t it? And no thesaurus in sight! Notice how specifics also beef up the image—not just “bugs” but “gnats.” Not just buzzing, but buzzing around her ears.
.
. How about this phrase? It felt painful as he remembered…
. Missy Tippens’ “A Family For Faith” (April 2011) puts it: Pain steamrolled him flat to the floor as he remembered … Minor wording modification, but “steamrolled” is so active, so evocative. See how juicy words and phrasing work? Or how about how Missy turned a quite common “he laughed” into “A deep chuckle rumbled in his throat.” “He laughed” states a fact, but can’t you almost hear him in her choice of words?
.
. Myra Johnson’s “Romance By the Book” (2010) took an ordinary “She caught her breath” and turned it into “A hiccup of a breath caught in her throat.” And … “Sailor wanted to help him, but he’d already turned down Allan’s offer” was molded in Myra’s hands to become: “Sailor ached to help him, but he’d already rebuffed Allan’s offer.” See how emotion is revealed in her juicy word selection?
. Let’s look at a few more examples:
. He drank a glass of tea as he watched Margaret Reilly walk around the great room of the Reilly home. She was dressed in a pink suit.
. Tina Radcliffe’s “A Rancher’s Reunion” (January 2011) says it this way – He sipped a tall, chilled glass of sweet tea and watched Margaret Reilly flit around the great room of the Reilly home. A butterfly in a pink suit. You not only get a sense of who Margaret is, but you “see” Will, too, sipping that ice-cold tea.
.
. Having washed and rinsed his hands, Will washed his face and neck and dried off with paper towels.
. Again the facts are stated, but Tina Radcliffe’s “A Rancher’s Reunion” enriches it as: “Sudsing his hands and rinsing, Will sluiced water over his face and neck, drying off with a wad of paper towels." Can’t you just see Will sudsing up? Smell the soap? Feel the water on his face and how drying off with a wad of paper towels rubs his skin?
.
. Her young charge was on the landing, hair in a bun, cheeks pale, her gaze on Callie.
. Janet Dean’s “Wanted: A Family” (March 2011) – Her young charge appeared on the landing, her hair corralled in a tight bun, her cheeks pale, her gaze tethered to Callie’s like a lifeline.
.
. At dusk, streetlamps came on. As afternoon became evening, it got quiet and felt as serene as the town’s name. Peaceful.
. Janet Dean’s “Wanted: A Family” said it this way: The colorless cloak of dusk settled around them, streetlamps flared to life. The clamor of the afternoon softened to a sigh leaving a sense of serenity that whispered the town’s name. Peaceful. In these two examples, Janet paints a vivid picture, sets the mood.
. . The people were quiet and only the soldiers walking along could be heard. . How did Debby Giusti write it in “The Officer’s Secret?” (May 2011) - A hush fell over the crowd, leaving only the cadenced footfalls of the soldiers to echo in the stillness of the day. I don’t know about you, but I can feel that solemn, military procession.
. . Katie struck out at Jack and pretended to glare at his friends.
. Julie Lessman’s “A Hope Undaunted” (2010) did it this way: Katie swatted at Jack and broiled his friends with a mock glare. Can’t you just see Julie’s feisty young flapper? Love it!
. . The Colorado River flowed through the canyon.
. Mary Connealy’s “Deep Trouble” (2011) lassoed that mundane description and replaced it with: The bright blue of the Colorado River twisted like the grand-daddy of all rattlesnakes in the far depths of the canyon. . And a few more juicy words . . .
. Can you tell Cheryl Wyatt loves to write action-packed scenes? From A Soldier’s Reunion (June 2009): Disregarding her own pain and fear, she scrambled through mazes of twisted metal, forcing her feet across puddles of burning gasoline. . Look what Camy Tang did in her “Deadly Intent” (July 2009) – "His sandalwood cologne wove around her” and “Her heart twirled in a riotous dance.” And how about: “She took the bag from them, the scent of garlic curling up at her.”
. Cara Lynn James (“Love On Assignment” – 2010) took a standard “she blushed” and turned it into “A blast of heat scalded her cheeks.” And a simple “Charlotte smiled” transformed into a character-revealing phrase with Cara’s spin on it: “Charlotte squeezed out a smile.”
. And last, but not least, Glynna Kaye’s “Second Chance Courtship” (February 2011) takes wind blowing snow and converted it to this: A blustery gust shook the powder-like crystals loose, flinging them into the air and sending a fairy dust cascade earthward.
. So, let’s have some fun. Pick a sentence or two from the following list and rewrite it to share with us using JUICY WORDS—remembering not to overdo it. The purpose is to evoke an emotion, clarify and enrich an image, reveal character--not to cause a reader to get tangled up in your clever prose and jerked out of the story.
. 1) He walked down the steps toward her.
. 2) She felt upset when he said that.
. 3) He looked tired when he got there.
. 4) She ate her lunch.
. 5) It was raining.
. 6) The sun sank slowly into the west. .. . If you’d like to be entered in a drawing for a copy of my August 2011 release, “At Home In His Heart,” please mention it in the comments section and leave your e-mail addy (remembering “at” and “dot”).
. Glynna Kaye’s Love Inspired “Dreaming of Home” is a 2010 finalist in the “Carol Award” and “Maggie Award,” as well as a first place winner of the “Booksellers Best” and “Beacon” awards. “Second Chance Courtship” released in February 2011 and “At Home In His Heart” (August 2011) garnered a 4 ½ start review from national magazine “RT Book Reviews.”

Welcome to Deadwood

Deadwood. Got a lot of that around my house, and it’s scary. We’re preparing for a long-distance move in the near future, so we’ve been cleaning out closets, sorting through junk in the attic, throwing stuff out, and hauling load after load to Goodwill.

I just hope they have more use for it than we did. A lot of this stuff I haven’t even looked at, much less used, in the five years since we moved into this house. Some of it hadn’t seen the light of day in the 13 years we lived in the house before this one! All these years . . . collecting dust, taking up space, and making me tired just thinking about it!

Deadwood is just as useless in a manuscript. So today we’re going to take a look at several areas where deadwood can pile up and sap the energy from your prose.

Deadwood #1: Qualifiers. Do a word search in your manuscript for every occurrence of the following modifiers and see how many of them you can eliminate by finding the right single word instead.

• very
• really
• somewhat
• a little
• most
• usually
• always
• sometimes

• rarely

Deadwood #2: Filler words. Are these words merely taking up space in your manuscript? Do another word search and see whether narration and/or dialogue would be stronger without them.

• just
• now
• so
• but
• that
• well
• wondered
• felt
• oh
• um
• uh

Deadwood #3: Unnecessary dialogue tags. Do you find yourself using “he said” or “she said” a lot? Would the scene be more vivid if you inserted an action or appropriate bit of description instead to identify the speaker?

Deadwood #4: Redundancy. Examples:

• “She nodded her head.” What else would she nod? Her feet? Her elbow?
• “He shrugged his shoulders.” Same question. Is there any other possible body part that can be shrugged?
• “She blinked her eyes.” Ditto.
• "He guffawed loudly." A guffaw is loud! Use the right verb or noun and delete unnecessary adverbs and adjectives.
  

Deadwood #5: Flowery description. Or any description that doesn’t directly enhance plot and/or character development. For more on this subject, check here and here.

Deadwood #6: Chatty dialogue. Are your story conversations peppered with remarks that do nothing to increase conflict or move the story forward? Unless throwaway lines like “Hi, how are you?”, “Fine, thanks,” and “Lovely weather, isn’t it?” carry an obvious subtext of conflict or contradiction, they become useless fillers. More on writing effective dialogue here.

Deadwood #7: Cliched character actions. Time for another word search. How many times are your characters guilty of the following? These aren’t necessarily bad, but overused, they start sticking out like the proverbial sore thumb. As often as possible, look for a fresher, more interesting way of describing both inner and outer reactions.

• He squeezed her hand.
• She sighed.
• His fists clenched.
• She took a deep breath.
• His stomach knotted.
• Her brow furrowed.
• He deepened the kiss.
• Her heart stammered.

Deadwood #8: Scenes that go nowhere. If a scene doesn’t perform a necessary function in your story, it’s deadwood. Every scene should do something to move the plot forward, whether by revealing important character traits, bringing in necessary backstory, increasing the conflict, or taking the characters in a new direction. You’ll find plenty more on scenes here and here.

What other kinds of deadwood do you have to watch out for in your manuscripts? Get out the pruning saws and get busy!

She Said WHAT?

The other day at the zoo, I could NOT say the right word for anything. I had embarrassing slip-ups like this:

Man in primate line with wife beside him says to me: “So ones like this are pretty much extinct from what I gather. In fact, this might be the last actual one like it in the world.”

(Monkeys, people. The man was talking about some rare, exotic monkey.)

This will be important to note BECAUSE, the next (set of stupid) things I said was: “Wow. That’s kinda sad. You know that for certain?”

Man (laughing): “Yeah, sadly my mind is filled with all kinds of useless facts like that.”

Me: “Well, I guess it’s good that you’re well-endowed.”

The man's upper body jerked as this half-horrified, half-humored look crossed his face. Amused glee then his hand hurled to his mouth. A blast of snickers clutched and spiraled him sideways. His shoulders quaked like a rumbling volcano until he blew. Doubled over in a face-to-sidewalk maneuver, he kept laughing.

And laughing.

He alternated between chuckling and strangling and howling. Like, seriously, I have never heard sounds like that wheeze out of a person’s throat before.

People stared. Endangered monkeys stared.

All I could do was blink and wonder what the heck…

His (GORGEOUS!) wife turns slowly and gives first him, then me, The Stare of Death…which made him laugh harder which is when I performed mental word recall on the conversation and realized I said, “well-ENDOWED” when I meant “well-INFORMED.”

What could one do but walk away? Seriously, there was NO getting gracefully or tactfully out of that one.

Not for me.

And I’m sure not for that guy on the arctic ride home.

Stuff like that happened ALL DAY. I’m serious. Someone should have checked my blood sugar.

Problem is, I misspeak ALL the time but don’t mean to. Until recently, I was oblivious to how amused my friends are by it. Hey, I have purpose! LOL.

I think I have some valid hypoxia problem in my brain. A block or physical disability that won’t let me log the right word in or let the right word out. Wrong Word Usage afflicts my writing too. Thankfully for my readership and editors, I MOSTLY do it when speaking. Unfortunately, that’s sometimes when I’m PUBLIC speaking…like they have me come there ON PURPOSE to talk to their group. Imagine.

WWU-not a good hindrance to have when people look up to you as a wordsmith. Thankfully most extend grace and laugh about it.

Other Stupid Stuff I’ve said:

Pilfer instead of Filter
Pathetic for Prophetic
Altercation instead of Alteration (typed)
Hedonism instead of Heroism (typed)

Said “White SKIRT” rather than SHIRT (okay other than I said it in the context of not being able to wear a pink bra under it). My (sarcastic & snorting) friend replied, “Most can’t.”

Death instead of Debt. (Pathetically, I’ve done this twice. Once while saying to a friend, “All those credit cards, girl, you’re destined for death.” (Meant debt) Another time I said, “You should avoid death (meant debt) at all costs, it’s tough to get out of.”

Adultery rather than Infancy

Fish hackery rather than Hatchery (to a group of little kids)

Intoxicated rather than Sophisticated (at a job interview. No, I didn’t get it. LOL!)

Macadamic (no, it’s not a word) instead of Academia

Woodie instead of Wedgie (Trust me, you do NOT want to know)

Semi-conscious chocolate chips instead of semi-sweet (I don’t know how I did either)

Viagra instead of Allegro-as in steak sauce marinade. Store managers tore up shelves looking for it because I INSISTED I get it here all the time.

“They’re all very debilitating” (instead of “dependable”) in a public comment about our pastors.

Subscription rather than prescription-bad since I’m an RN. To my credit though, a physician dictated, “Patient is a twenty year old PRIMATE” rather than “Primip” on a patient’s chart dictation.

Said (leaving church), “I’m ravished.” Meant, “Famished.”

I accidentally titled Harlequin’s lovely, sweet and talented Sarah McDaniel an “Editorial Assassin” rather than an “Editorial Assistant” in an official correspondence. But that one was actually NOT my fault. My BlackBerry’s auto-correct changed the word without my permission or knowledge and the e-mail sent before I caught it. LOL! Thankfully Sarah has a sense of humor.

I do, say, type, think multitudes of these daily.

So what I NEED is for all of you to make me feel better by typing in the comment section a funny (or horrible! LOL) Wrong Word Usage you’ve read, heard, written or said.

Seven commenters get my seventh book, Steadfast Soldier, FREE. Talk away! Include your e-mail address.

Thanks for letting me be transparent about my greatest weakness (Or purpose! Oblivious Amusement, remember? LOL) as a writer.

What's yours?

Crisp, Clean, Concise.... The Good Cook's Guide to the Chopping Block of Chronic Wordiness and Winter's End Book Giveaway!

Oh my stars, Tina noted the irony of this post title right off because if there’s one thing I’m NOT (okay, there are a lot of things I’m not, but we don’t need to go THERE, do we???) it’s crisp, clean or concise.

Sigh.

But I am a good cook, therefore well-intentioned and the chopping block of verbosity IS my new stomping ground because my beautiful, wonderful, marvelous Steeple Hill Love Inspired books are 55-60,000 words in length.

Now you’d think that was easy, I know, and for most intents and purposes you’d be spot on, especially when I have total and utmost appreciation for songwriters who tell a COMPLETE STORY in sixteen lines.

Now that’s talent.

I whine about having to cut from 70K to 60K and why, you ask? Because I talk too much, plain and simple. I like to blame that on my parents, they’re both in heaven so there’s no imminent smack-down, and I can shrug the onus onto them, but the plain fact is, brevity rules for general purposes.

Bill O’Reilly calls it pithiness. I like O’Reilly most times, and he’s concise, so I took myself to Cheryl Wyatt’s great blog here to help teach myself how to be pithy, concise, succinct, short and snappy.
When necessary, of course. Because while a fun, sensual repartee can be quick, razor-sharp and to the point, love scenes should invite the reader to linger…

But each and every one of you got to LINGER way too long yesterday, oh my stars, I ran the a/c all night and I live in upstate New York. And it’s February.

Good grief.

But Cheryl made some great points in her blog that day in ‘08 and I realized it’s not so much cutting the book as it is the art of rephrasing.

Big difference.

So, let’s play: Here’s a scene from a new book, first draft. I wrote it this morning, banging it out, and here it is, unfiltered:

Trent thought he had this all under control, old memories, old feelings stowed in a virtual military-style foot locker. He’d been gone a dozen years, a long time by anyone’s standards, and yet...

The minute his car began the climb toward The Edge, his heart began a new rhythm, something sharp and staccato, not a bit comfortable.

He shoved the feeling aside as old news. He’d been a kid. He made mistakes. Who didn’t?

And yet being with Lyssa had never felt like a mistake, despite their youth, their emotions, their eighteen-year-old passions that swept them into uncharted territory. He was the guilty one, he knew that now. Had known it for some time. As the man, he was the God-sworn protector, the leader.

He’d failed miserably.

But it was a long time ago. They’d both moved on. He’d only wished he had the chance to apologize, to make things right, or at least as right as they ever could be, but once she’d dumped him and headed west, she hadn’t looked back.

After all that happened, he couldn’t say he blamed her.

He parked the car alongside Helen’s sedan. Everyone else had given her a wide berth, as if respecting her position by parking elsewhere.

Trent had no such issues. Helen Walker was a smart, savvy woman who knew her business, the kind of CEO he enjoyed working with. She waited for him to catch up, then angled a look to the setting, the cozy restaurant nestled in its hillside setting. “Bring back memories?”

Trent paused, startled. How could Helen...?

“You used to work here, right?” She sent him a look, half-frown, half-smile. “In the kitchen with Gary and Susan.”

“Oh. Yes. Yes, I did.” Duh, Trent. Get a handle on this, okay? Of course she knew that, everyone knew that. What they didn’t know was his relationship with Lyssa. Gary Langley wouldn’t have thought too highly of his beautiful, smart daughter taking up with the kid who got dumped along the side of the road, no matter how good he was on the football field.

“Jonas and I came here often. He loved the prime rib. Always said Gary had a hand with it like no other.”

Trent nodded agreement, but it wasn’t as if he had anything to go on. A kid washing dishes and peeling potatoes didn’t get to sample things like prime rib.

Okay, let’s play:

Trent thought he had this all under control, old memories, his old feelings stowed in a virtual military-style foot locker. He’d been gone a dozen years, a long time by anyone’s standards, and yet...

I dumped the qualifier ‘all’… I overuse them, but I don’t worry about it until I edit. I also over-state things by doubling feelings for emphasis. A little of that goes a LONG way in fiction, so I cut most of them back out to sharpen the flow. The reader already knows Trent was a former Army captain, a West Point grad and a decorated war veteran so describing the imaginary foot locker as ‘military-style’ is redundant.

The minute his car began the climb As his car snaked its way up the familiar mountain road, The Edge, his heart began stuttered a new rhythm, something sharp and staccato, not a bit comfortable. Uncomfortable. Maybe even painful.

He shoved the feeling aside as old news. He’d been a kid. He made mistakes. Who didn’t?

The snaking car lets the reader visualize a curving road without me saying he was driving up a curving road, or following the curves in the road. The word ‘snaking’ conveys the sense of winding, curving terrain. I dumped the restaurant name here because I’ll probably overuse it on my first draft, the restaurant name befitting its location and their feelings for one another, chronically on edge...

I changed ‘began’ to ‘stuttered’ to allude to an adrenalin kick, the way our hearts chug into overdrive when police strobes suddenly appear in our rear-view mirror... Not that I give men in uniform any reason whatsoever to pull me over.

Hush, Sandra!!!

The phrase “Not a bit comfortable” offers the feeling but not the warring emotion within Trent's soul. Going with the simple one word: “Uncomfortable” followed by “Maybe even painful” offers the reader a quick peek into Trent’s past, his feelings, just enough of a hint to know something happened, something went amiss or awry.

And yet being with Lyssa had never felt like a mistake, despite their youth, their emotions, their eighteen-year-old passions that swept them into uncharted territory. He was the guilty one, he knew that now. Had known it for some time. As the man, he was the God-sworn protector, the guardian, the leader.

I’m dumping that whole line referring to their youth. Better to leave it short, concise, firm, strong, a simple declarative. We want him recognizing that what they did was wrong, but it felt right. And perfect. And wonderful. But we can’t say all that yet, so we want to hint at it, that their first taste of love, of sex, of romance and intimacy was something special even though it was short-lived.

He’d failed miserably.

But it was a long time ago. They’d both moved on. He’d only wished he had the chance to apologize, to make things right, or at least as right as they ever could be, but once she’d dumped him and headed west, she hadn’t looked back.

After all that happened, he couldn’t say he blamed her.

At this point, I like this paragraph sequence just as it is. I may change it later, but right now it works and I don’t dilly-dally too much with this first draft revision, just enough to sharpen things, gain clarity for myself and the future reader. And set an emotional curve going, the beginnings of a roller coaster ride that should offer readers comfort just prior to jerking the rug out from beneath their feet. Uneven footing is the best-hugged fictional pathway.

He parked the car alongside Helen’s sedan. Everyone else had given gave her a wide berth, as if respecting her position by parking elsewhere.

Trent had no such issues. Not Trent.

*These changes were strictly for condensing, saying more with less. The reader already knows that Helen owns and runs the company he’s applying to, they’ve watched the corporate officers give her space in the boardroom, all but one... If I’ve set that stage well, I don’t need any of these words to make my point.*

Helen Walker was a smart, savvy woman who knew her business, the kind of CEO he enjoyed working with admired. She waited for him to catch up, then angled a look to the setting, the cozy cedar-sided restaurant nestled among the trees.in its hillside setting. “Bring back memories?”

Trent stopped,paused, startled. How could Helen...?

*Double descriptors again. “Smart, savvy.” A couple in a book, well-placed, is enough. More than that is overkill or overuse of some wonderful literary technique Margie Lawson taught us about a few months back. The word “admired” shows that Trent appreciates Helen’s business acumen and cuts two needless words. If you noticed, I’d doubled the phrase ‘the setting’, again not uncommon for me when I do a first draft. And I’m dumping both because this book is set in the foothills of the Allegheny Mountains bordering Pennsylvania and New York, so hillside settings are a dime a dozen. Instead I offered a hint of the wood-siding on the restaurant, and then Trent’s surprise at her question.*

“You used to work worked here, right?” She sent him a quizzical look, half-frown, half-smile. “In the kitchen With Gary and Susan?”

*’Worked’ replaces the phrase ‘used to work’ and saves me two words. I added the adjective ‘quizzical’ because I want the reader to see Helen note his reaction through that one word. I dropped ‘in the kitchen’ because the reader will know that Trent washed dishes and did menial prep work, so of course it’s in the kitchen.*

“Oh. Yes. Yes, I did.” Duh, Trent. Get a clue handle on this, okay? Of course she knew that, everyone knew that. What they didn’t know was his relationship with Lyssa. Gary Langley wouldn’t have thought too highly of his beautiful, smart approved of his daughter taking up with trailer trash the kid who got dumped along the side of the road, no matter how good he was on the football field.

*The ‘oh’ sounds feminine to me. “Get a clue” sounds more contemporary than get a handle on this... but that might get used elsewhere, later. I dumped the ‘thought too highly...etc.’ because I don’t need all that there. The reader has already met Alyssa, they like her, and they know Gary’s got issues. No need to repeat that here. And it saves me six words. Six words I can use elsewhere later. Like for KISSING!!!!*

“Jonas and I came here often," she explained. "He loved the prime rib. Always said Gary had a special hand with it like no other.”

Propriety pushed Trent to nod agreement, but it wasn’t as if not because he had anything to go on. A kid washing dishes and peeling potatoes didn’t get wasn’t invited to sample things like prime rib.

*Adding the adjective ‘special’ shows their appreciation for the prime rib (I’m getting HUNGRY!!!) and saves me two words. Dropping the ‘but’ phrase in the next sentence is simply for flow. I could have left it because it carries a colloquial sound and timing that I like, but it’s a phrase I tend to use too often so I watch out for it.*

So, let’s see how we did:

Trent thought he had this under control, his old feelings stowed in a virtual foot locker. He’d been gone a dozen years, a long time by anyone’s standards, and yet...

As his car snaked up the familiar mountain road, his heart stuttered a new rhythm, something sharp and staccato. Uncomfortable. Maybe even painful.

He shoved the feeling aside. He’d been a kid. He made mistakes. Who didn’t?

And yet being with Lyssa had never felt like a mistake. He was the guilty one, he knew that now. Had known it for some time. As the man, he was the God-sworn protector, the guardian, the leader.

He’d failed miserably.

But it was a long time ago. They’d both moved on. He only wished he had the chance to apologize, to make things right, or at least as right as they ever could be, but once she’d dumped him and headed west, she hadn’t looked back.

After all that happened, he couldn’t say he blamed her.

He parked alongside Helen. Everyone else gave her a wide berth, as if respecting her position by parking elsewhere.

Not Trent.

Helen Walker was a savvy woman who knew her business, the kind of CEO he admired. She waited for him to catch up, then angled a look to the cedar-sided restaurant nestled among the trees. “Bring back memories?”

Trent stopped, startled.

“You worked here, right?” She sent him a quizzical look, half-frown, half-smile. “With Gary and Susan?”

“Yes. Yes, I did.”

Duh, Trent. Get a clue, okay? Of course she knew that, everyone knew that. What they didn’t know was his relationship with Lyssa. Gary Langley wouldn’t have approved of his daughter taking up with trailer trash, no matter how good he was on the football field.

“Jonas and I came here often,” she explained. “He loved the prime rib. Always said Gary had a special hand with it.”

Propriety pushed Trent to nod agreement, not because he had anything to go on. A kid washing dishes and peeling potatoes wasn’t invited to sample things like prime rib.

The original version had 398 words.

The new version has 342. In a three-page excerpt I saved 56 words.

That’s huge. If you figure that over the course of an average 300 page book (done in Courier New) that’s 5,000 words I bought myself to play with.

And that’s only on the first go ‘round.

When I make stew, (NO, NOT RODEO STEW, THAT WAS A WHOLE DIFFERENT BLOG AND YOU KNOW IT!!!) I like big chunks of celery, carrot and potato.

In tuna or chicken salad I want my veggies cut finer, more pristine.

That’s how I view editing. It’s the fine-tuning of good ideas to solid ground, that basis for adding foreshadowing, hints, hesitation, etc. later on. With a good base (kind of like building a house, the driveway base does better if you drive on it for the first year before laying the asphalt...)the subtle nuances of each word shine brighter, work harder.

And leave me more room for writing kissing scenes like Julie’s, LOL!

Now, since you've stayed with me this long and haven't fallen asleep (that I know of!), here are a few things of great import:

I have a cold and I'm whiny, but that's not the important stuff. The important stuff is that I brought coffee, hot lemonade (I TOLD you I was whiny. Hot lemonade soothes my throat and nose...), tea and fresh strudel because Susan in this story makes GREAT strudel. They serve it at The Edge, their lovely hillside restaurant not far from Wellsville and Angelica...

Don't you just LOVE those names???

And if you comment today, be sure to leave me your e-mail address so you can be put in a drawing for a copy of Winter's End, my very first, numero uno, debut novel out later this month by Steeple Hill Books. SWEET!!!!

And I brought tissues. The kind with lotion. Because yes, I am a wuss. And trust me on this one, NO ONE is lining up to kiss me right now, even after Julie's hot-to-trot blog yesterday.

Oh mylanta.

Ruthy