Best of the Archives: Show Don't Tell Part 2

Sandra here wondering how you are all doing with your writing and Speedbo. March is always a tough month for me so I don't do Speedbo, but I think it is a really great tool to practice writing that first draft. I use the concept at other time. So best wishes and hang in there.

Below I come with some more samples of show don't tell that I found in my own writing. Earlier I wrote Show Don't Tell Part 1 and gave you examples to see the difference.


In the post “Show Don’t Tell” that I wrote earlier, I used examples from Love’s Miracles that was published by Warner in 1989. In this post, I’m going to use examples from Dream Song published by Warner in 1990.

In Love’s Miracles I ended up not making that many changes. The passive voice seemed to work. But in Dream Song it definitely does NOT work and besides that it is extremely annoying.  I was planning to self-publish Dream Song this month, but when reading it, I became so annoyed at the passive redundancy that I decided I definitely need to revise first.

So all this month, I’ve been pondering about why passive voice worked in Love’s Miracles, but not in Dream Song. Here is what I came up with and whether its on target or not is only my guess, but it makes sense to me.

Love’s Miracles is a character driven psychological drama. The characters are so deep and you become so involved in their emotions, that you don’t notice what voice you are reading. There isn’t really much happening physically, but the emotional drama is deep and draws you in.

Dream Song is a romantic suspense. The characters have depth, but a suspense involves a lot of action and screams for active voice. The passive thoughts upon the characters emotions drag down the action and in my opinion became annoying. I truly wanted to throw the book against the wall, but I was reading it on the flight to Atlanta so refrained.  smile

I love the characters in Dream Song so you would think that there would be the same depth as in Love’s Miracles.  I grew up in the Southwest and was very interested in the Native American tribes. I romanticized their culture and admired the godly premises of the Beautyway. Hubby and I have explored every museum and crawled through every ruin we can find. I used to sit in moqui caves and picture the villages full of action and emotion. I always knew I wanted Native American characters in at least one of my books.

Not being Native American, I did not presume to think I could write as one as their way of viewing their world is so different than mine. So I created characters who were half Native America.  Autumn was given up for adoption at birth by her Navajo mother. Autumn was adopted and raised by the O’Niell family. They are a loving family and support her attempt to find her roots with the Navajo. Autumn gets a job on the reservation in hopes of getting to know her estranged family.

While the inner conflict is powerful, too much retrospection as was done in Love’s Miracles slows down the action. Action scenes are easier to deal with when revising. But the emotional elements are more subtle when changing them from passive to active. Let me show you some examples. (Red=old version,  purple=revised)

“I say something profound like that, yet here I am fighting to win a place in the hearts of the clan. Strange that I need that identity.”
His brow furrowed slightly. “Why do you need them? You have a family who cares for you. It’s not like you were deprived. In fact, you probably were much better off where you were. The infant mortality rate is high on the reservation.”
“I think every child who is adopted wants to know his or her real family—why she was given away.”
“It isn’t always because you weren’t wanted.”
“Isn’t it?” She searched his expression, trying to determine if he really cared or was just caught by pity.
“There are many reasons people do what they do.”
Several thoughts came to mind, but now was not the time to reflect on them. Some required digging in musty corners that she wasn’t prepared to touch, and she wasn’t about to expose them to the ridicule of a man who could hurt her. She shrugged. “Who knows? I’m sure you don’t care.”
“Try me.”
Sincerity sounded in the gravelly tones, but she had the feeling he was as surprised by it as she. For a moment she was tempted to ask him why. That answer would lead to more questions, such as, why did he treat her with such disdain when they’d had a beautiful relationship growing between them? She wasn’t in the mood to discuss it. Nor was it the time or place.
“Look, I need to check on a few things for Dr. Davidson,” she told him. “I have to get back to work.”


In this example there are several subtle uses of passive voice as well as a couple of obvious uses that I mentioned in the April post.

Obvious uses are the adverbs and the use of the verbs to be, could, and ing verbs.  (I hope Grammar Queen doesn’t catch my use of slang here. LOL)

His brow furrowed slightly.
He frowned.

Some required digging in musty corners that she wasn’t prepared to touch, and she wasn’t about to expose them to the ridicule of a man who could hurt her.

Not prepared to dig in musty corners nor expose them to hurtful ridicule.

The subtle uses of passive voice are more difficult to ferret out. Too much verbiage slows down the action and is especially notable in suspense.


“I say something profound, yet I fight to win a place in the hearts of the clan. Strange that I need that identity.”
He frowned. “Why do you need them? Your family cares for you. You were better off where you were because the infant mortality rate is high on the reservation.”
“I think every child who is adopted wants to know his or her real family—why she was given away.”
“It isn’t always because you weren’t wanted.”
“Isn’t it?” She searched his expression, trying to determine if he really cared or was just caught by pity.
“There are many reasons people do what they do.”
Several thoughts came to mind, but not prepared to dig in musty corners nor expose them to hurtful ridicule, she shrugged them aside. “Who knows? I’m sure you don’t care.”
“Try me.”
Did he care? The man who treated her with disdain after they’d had a beautiful relationship? Not in the mood to pursue these questions, she straightened,  “I have to get back to work, check on a few things for Dr. Davidson.”


Did you notice how I trimmed the word count in the revised passage above? Doesn’t it read smoother and at a faster pace?

Did you notice the repetition of the same idea?  It wasn’t the time or place was mentioned twice.

The last paragraph has a plenty of subtle passivity.
Sincerity sounded in his gravelly voice--   This is telling what his voice is like.
But she had the feeling--  This is telling the reader she has a feeling –
For a moment she was tempted…-- There is that verb to be again.
She wasn’t in the mood – ditto



Let’s look at some other examples:

“Whoever was here more than likely followed us to make sure we were clear of the blast. They’ll know.”
His words didn’t ease her apprehension. She grasped the turquoise nugget as the possible dangers played around in her head. One thing she felt certain of—they had to get the remaining artifacts to safety. The thought quickened her pace as she hurried the half-mile down the canyon to the kiva and Dr. Davidson. 

This scene is telling us there is apprehension and need for action. So instead of telling, this is a classic example of the need to show. Don’t tell the reader Autumn is apprehensive.  Don’t tell the reader Autumn has possible dangers playing around in her head.  Don’t tell the reader Autumn needs to get the artifacts to safety.  Show don’t tell.

“Whoever was here more than likely followed us to make sure we were clear of the blast. They’ll know.”
Autumn quickened her pace down the canyon. “We have to get the remaining artifacts to safety.” She grasped her turquoise nugget. “Only a half mile to go.”

Hopefully these few samples help to clarify the difficult concept of show don’t tell.  Please feel free to comment or share examples from your own writing.


If you ever travel through “Color Country” you must try the Indian fry bread. You won’t be sorry. Since we are on the Navajo reservation, the women at the roadside rest are serving your choice of fry bread with honey or fry bread with beans.  Yum  And if you have time you might want to look at their jewelry and blankets.

Okay, I have had this sign I've wanted to post since I saw it in Palm Springs last winter.  I guess this post fits as well as any.  I mean it is active and to the point.

Remember there are no comments this Friday so we can get on with Speedbo. Go Speedbo.

Sandra Leesmith writes sweet romances to warm the heart. Sandra loves to play pickleball, hike, read, bicycle and write. She is based in Arizona, but she and her husband travel throughout the United States in their motorhome and enjoy the outdoors. You can find Sandra's books here on Amazon. Three of Sandra's most popular books are also audio books at Audible. You can read more of Sandra's posts here.

15 more days to Speedbo

Best of the Archives: Show Don't Tell

Last month I posted Show Don't Tell Part 3. In it, I referred to other posts I had written about the difference between showing and telling. In this post from April of 2013, I talk about the basics. Show Don't Tell Part 1 is our Best of the Archives today. I hope it helps. Comments are closed today.

Hello, Seekerville.

Sandra here all excited about our mention in Writer's Digest as one of the best websites for writers.

Articles in that magazine were instrumental to my becoming published.  They are a great resource. And I am so thankful for all the Seekerville folk who nominated our blog.

You ROCK!!!!   It is because of YOU that we are even here.

When I started writing in the eighties, there were no websites for writers. The Writer's Digest magazine was one of the few resources for craft skills.  Conferences offered workshops but those were few and far between.

I did fall into entering contests and discovered I could get great feedback.  But one of the things judges always said was "show don't tell."

What in the world did that mean?  Now of course, it is plain as night and day to me, but when we all started out, we were nonplussed. In fact, questions like that were one of the reasons we started Seekerville. There were so many questions.  Whenever one of us found an answer, we wanted to share.  We also wanted to make a place where it was easier to find the answer.

By wisdom, a house (or village) is built, and through understanding, it is established; through knowledge, its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.  Proverbs 24:3

So in the eighties, I took a sabbatical from my teaching career and did finally get published. I published two Harlequins and two for Popular Library which was an imprint of Warner Books, Inc.  When I returned back to finish my teaching career,  I put my novel writing on hold and then resumed after retiring in 2000.

Love's Miracles Published in 1989

As many of you know I had to learn the craft all over again because writing styles had changed. In the eighties, there was a lot of what we now call passive writing. Today's writing is fast paced and action packed.  In other words, there was a lot more telling.  Today readers want more showing.  

Since I have the rights back for those past novels, I am in the process of putting them back out there. Reading through the old version I see a lot of "telling".  Let me show you some examples and hopefully point out ways to find the telling in your own writing.

Outside the sun was beginning to set. She could see the streaks of color across the western sky. A walk on the cliffs overlooking the ocean would clear her thoughts. She’d need to be sharp and alert when she went back to deal with Zane.

The clues to look for in this piece are the words could and would.  Occasional use of those two words is okay, but if you use them a lot, you are telling not showing.

Let me show you how I changed that to be more active.

     Outside the setting sun streaked colors across the western sky. Margo walked along the cliffs, thankful for the ocean breeze. Dealing with Zane demanded clear thinking.

Can you see how I changed could and would into active verbs?

Another thing to watch out for is the use of the verb to be.  Of course, you will need to use it occasionally, but look for ways to changed any to be verbs into active verbs.

Margo hesitated, observing the fit condition of his body as he stretched. His arms reached skyward while he rotated his head. Living in the wilderness certainly hadn’t harmed his physical condition. Even though he was sweaty and covered with blood, she was aware of a definite beauty in him. Seeing him in this rugged environment and looking as primitive as he did, it was hard to picture him in a business suit sitting in an office. Then again, Vinnie had said he spent most of his time at the docks or on the boats. That was easier for Margo to picture. 

Can you see all of the to be verbs?  Also look at the ing verbs.   Can you see the difference below when you take out those verbs and use action verbs instead?

Zane stretched. His arms reached skyward. He rotated his head and Margo hesitated. In spite of the sweat and blood, a definite beauty radiated from him. How did this man, so at home in this rugged and primitive environment manage to sit in an office in a business suit? Margo shook away the impossible image and pictured him on the docks where Vinnie said he spent most of his time.  

Now look at the next section. Can you find more examples of telling words?

What she wasn’t prepared for was the sight of him. He had on boots and tight-fitting jeans. His white T-shirt was molded to his chest. That was not unusual. What made her breath go shallow was his face – he’d shaved his beard.

Slowly she stepped out of the Bronco. She headed for the deck. The strangest urge came over her to trace her fingers across the planes of that smooth-shaven skin.

Margo gave herself a shake. “Get a hold of yourself, kiddo,” she muttered under her breath. “He’s your patient. Nothing more. Yesterday’s kiss meant nothing to him and shouldn’t mean anything to you.” But the knowledge that the kiss had affected her strengthened her resolve to get off this case as soon as she returned.

There are the obvious to be words that give you a clue.  But look carefully for other telling words.

What made her breath go shallow was his face.   The telling word is made her breath go shallow.  Show her breath going shallow.  She gave herself a shake.  This telling word is  gave herself a shake. Show her shaking off the thought.

Margo stepped out of the Bronco. Her breath caught. He'd shaved his beard.

She curled her fingers against the urge to trace her fingers across the planes of smooth-shaven skin. Instead, she focused on him, but tight fitting jeans and the white T-shirt molded to his chest shook her resolve. 

"Get a hold of yourself, kiddo," Margo muttered under her breath, "He's your patient. Nothing more........etc.

Can you see the difference? Can you see how the words made and gave were telling?  The words made and gave in themselves are not a problem, but it is the way I used them. This subtle passivity is what is difficult to see in your work.  The reason those words became passive is they are telling the reader what her reactions are.  In the revised piece, I show her reactions, i.e.  made her breath go shallow versus Her breath caught.  Very subtle but there is a difference.

Another clue to passive writing is the excessive use of adverbs.  Occasional adverbs are great, but go through your manuscript and look for possible changes you can make where you have used adverbs.

He scoffed. “You’re one gutsy lady. I can’t imagine you with any fears.”

“I’m afraid of the dark,” she told him simply and truthfully.

He started to laugh, then after eyeing her carefully he asked, “What caused that?”

Margo frowned as her nightmares came to mind. She couldn’t count the times she had awakened in a dark room to scream at her mother to turn on the lights. She knew what had caused her phobia but couldn’t seem to get it completely under control. Even being a psychologist hadn’t helped. She’d never been able to figure it out, and now wasn’t the time to try. Quickly she set aside her own problems. It was enough that she’d admitted them; she didn’t need to go into details.

Do you see the adverbs?  They aren't really necessary.

He scoffed. “You’re one gutsy lady. I can’t imagine you with any fears.”

“I’m afraid of the dark,.”

His laugh caught in his throat. "What caused that?"

Margo frowned. How many times had she awakened in a dark room to scream at her mother to turn on the lights? Knowledge of the cause of her phobia and psychology hadn't helped. She shifted and focused her attention back on Zane. 

Hopefully, these examples will help you find the telling words in your manuscript.  Share with us a couple sentences you found in your work and how you changed them. Practice makes perfect. smile As you can see from these examples, my original novel is written in a passive manner.  My editor, Beth Lieberman, was one of the top editors at Warner and this manner was acceptable and used in the eighties. 

Since I have the rights and am publishing this book again, I could rewrite this and make the novel more active. However, my current editor and I decided not to change the story too much, as it works fine the way it is as an atmospheric, historical novel dealing with the Vietnam War. 

Amber Stokes of Editing Through The Seasons  (One of our Seeker friends) did edit and "clean up" some of the scenes that were too graphic for my current taste.  We decided to leave some of the darker content intact, as it wouldn't be the same story without Zane's experiences related to the Vietnam War, and we wanted to maintain a sense of realism to demonstrate the cost of war.

Amber is currently prepping LOVE'S MIRACLES for e-publication, and it will be available in Kindle format in time for Memorial Day. 

Amber is also working with Lena Goldfinch and they have a wonderful cover in the works. 

Love's Miracles published in 2013

Dr. Margo Devaull came to Dominic Zanelli's mountain retreat confident that she could help this Vietnam veteran overcome the torment that kept him apart from the world. But her training as a psychologist had not prepared her for the tragic, explosive contradictions brewing inside him. For here was a sensitive artist who could be gentle--and a man whose eyes flashed with violence and pain when he told her to leave and never come back. Yet Margo did come back, slowly gain his trust, and awaken the sleeping needs of his heart. Only by reliving her own wounded past and helping Zane confront a terrible memory from the war could she set them both free--and save their last chance for love.  



There are some excellent posts in our archive listed as Show Don't Tell that will be helpful also. The most current by Debby Giusti is worth checking out.  

Margo and Zane are from the San Francisco Bay Area so I took a stroll down Fisherman's Wharf and bought the fixings for a sidebar of seafood. 

Aromatic sourdough bread, crunchy and fresh from the bakery.  Trays of shrimp, crab, scallops and calamari to toss on a bed of crisp salad greens. There are bowls of the famous Bay Area's Louis Dressing or I also put out bowls of mayonnaise, blue cheese and ranch dressing. 

My seafood favorite is cracked crab on ice so there is plenty of that.  

If its still cold in your neck of the woods, there is an urn of delightful clam chowder.  By the way, that clam chowder is to die for when you put it in a sourdough bowl.  

With permission Fisherman wharf photos from HungryInHouston

Sandra Leesmith writes sweet romances to warm the heart. Sandra loves to play pickleball, hike, read, bicycle and write. She is based in Arizona, but she and her husband travel throughout the United States in their motorhome and enjoy the outdoors. You can find Sandra's books here on Amazon. Three of Sandra's most popular books are also audio books at Audible. You can read more of Sandra's posts here.

Show Don't Tell Part III

Has anyone ever told you to “show, don’t tell”? Or has anyone ever said your writing is passive and you need to make it active? These are common areas of concern for most writers, yes, even seasoned writers.

The reading audience today is much more sophisticated because they have been exposed to outstanding authors who are continually refining their craft. Not only that, they are super busy and don’t want to waste their time frittering around in what used to be called “purple prose” or “flowery writing”. They want action. They want the hero and heroine to get down to business. And they want it direct and to the point.

So how do we accomplish that?

My critique partner has a keen eye for the “show/don’t tell” writing and calls me to it constantly. You would think I would learn, but honestly, I see the action in my head so think I’m writing it on paper. But in reality, I’m telling the story.  She is constantly putting in the margin the words “show don’t tell.”

Any of you experienced that?

After all of these years of writing, I know what she means. But when I was starting out, I was very puzzled. What do you mean? What are you talking about?

In case you are in that stage of the writing process, I recommend you read the other posts on Show Don’t Tell from our archives. Click here and the second and third post are two that I wrote earlier that explain the basics.

In this post, I’m going to go through and bring out samples of some of the more subtle forms from my last two works in progress and show you what I did. I will put the original version in italics and the revised version in regular red print.

It is easier to grasp the concept when you see the changes. It’s easier to show you rather than tell you.  Okay-bad pun. LOL  But I think this will help you. When you are finished reading the other articles and these examples, go to your work in progress and find similar examples and change them from “telling” to “showing.”  It would help other writers if we could read your examples also.

Please feel free to “show” us ways you have changed your wip to provide more action by showing instead of telling. Those who do will be placed in a drawing for a ten page critique of their wip.

Readers, you might have seen some great examples of showing instead of telling. Share those with us and be in a drawing for a Seeker eBook that is currently available.

Read through these examples. You might even think of better ways to “show.” And while you are reading, please enjoy a cup of coffee or hot chocolate with the snickerdoodle cookies I baked this morning.

Relieved that he had changed the subject, she cast him a smile.

Relieved that he had changed the subject, she smiled.

“There’s hiking trails in those mountains. Her son said she loved to hike.” Brian had heard Al and Trudy talk about the trails they had taken with their hiking club into the nearby Cuyamaca Mountains. Maybe he could call them and arrange to go with them on one of their outings.”

“There’s hiking trails in those mountains. Her son said she loved to hike.” Brian’s enthusiasm sparked. “My friends, Al and Trudy, talk about the trails they’ve taken with their hiking club into the Cuyamaca Mountains. Maybe I should call them and arrange to go with them on one of their outings.”

The cool drops of rain contrasted with the hot and humid air.

The cool rain drops splashed down through the hot and humid air.

Water lapped against the makeshift dam. Geri ignored her sopping boots and the blisters forming on her hands. She continued to shovel fast.

Water lapped against the makeshift dam. Ignoring her sopping boots and the blisters forming on her hands, she continued to shovel fast.

In no time the boy had made both of them a sandwich. After he ate half of his, he stopped and made a couple for Mark. “He’ll be hungry when he gets back,” Conner explained.

After the boy had made both of them a sandwich, he ate half of his, then he stopped and made a couple for Mark. “He’ll be hungry when he gets back.”

His gaze traveled from the stunning cliffs accented by the green juniper and pine to the washed-out creek bed. Danger lurked in the seeming pastoral beauty.

He gazed from the stunning cliffs accented by the green juniper and pine to the washed-out creek bed. Danger lurked in the seemingly pastoral beauty.

She searched the base of the dome, wishing Mark would round the corner.

Searching the base of the dome, she wished Mark would round the corner.

Adrenalin spurred him onward as he kept up with Geri.

Adrenalin spurred him onward to keep up with Geri.

“Conner! Don’t move!” Geri screamed, drew her pistol and charged the cougar. Shooting into the air, the sound of shots bounced and echoed against the red rock walls. The cougar froze.

“Conner! Don’t move!” Geri screamed, drawing her pistol and charging the cougar. She shot into the air, the sound of shots bouncing and echoing against the red rock walls. The cougar froze.

Relief mingled with concern showed in both Mark’s and Conner’s faces.

Relief mingled with concern glowed in both their faces.

Geri’s laughter rippled through him, as he followed his nephew into the small, but tidy room.

Geri’s laughter rippling through him, he followed his nephew into the small, but tidy room.

Mark sighed with pleasure, as the heat penetrated muscles he’d forgotten he had.

Mark sighed with pleasure, heat penetrating muscles he’d forgotten he had.

He leaned across the table, and traced his thumb along the white line. He licked his finger, tasting the flour and her.

Leaning across the table, he traced his thumb along the white line and licked his finger, tasting the flour and her.

I hope these helped. Be sure and check out the previous posts also for more detailed information.

Sandra Leesmith writes sweet romances to warm the heart. Sandra loves to play pickleball, hike, read, bicycle and write. She is based in Arizona, but she and her husband travel throughout the United States in their motorhome and enjoy the outdoors. You can find Sandra's books here on Amazon. Three of Sandra's most popular books are also audio books at Audible. You can read more of Sandra's posts here.

Three Ways to Make Your Writing Come Alive!

with guest Janice Hardy.

The best stories are the ones that come alive in a reader's imagination. They pull the reader into the story world and sweep them away in the struggles and dreams of the characters. For us writers, envisioning our stories is the easy part, and the trick is getting what's in our heads onto the page. When we don't, we get a story that falls flat and dies (and who wants that?).

One of the best ways to bring our tales to life is to show them, not tell them. Sadly, this is also one of the hardest things for new writers (and some experienced writers), to do. "Showing" is a moving target that varies by which point of view you use, the narrative distance, and even the genre. What works for a first-person literary journey might not work for a multiple third-person thriller.

Luckily, there are techniques that help you better show your scenes no matter what perspective or genre you write in.

1. Create a Strong Point of View

Point of view (POV) is the silver bullet of writing. If you master this, 95% of the common writing problems a writer faces will vanish. A solid point of view puts you (and your readers) firmly in a character's head, seeing the world through their eyes, and experiencing that world as they would naturally experience it.

This lets you decide which details to use when describing, what actions the character would take, and what they'd think about as they struggle to solve their goals. Seeing the story through a character's eyes means you'll write it as that character sees it, not as you see it. It helps keep you from pulling away and describing (telling) the scene from afar.

For example, a solid point of view changes a detached, flat sentence into something alive:

Weak POV: Sara was so upset that John forgot their anniversary that she threw a vase at him.

Strong POV: Sara heaved the vase at John's head. "Does twelve years mean nothing to you?" 

The weak POV explains the situation--it tells what Sara did (throw the vase) and why she did it (she was upset). The strong POV shows how someone in this situation would act--it shows what Sara did (she threw the vase and voiced her unhappiness) and lets readers figure out how she feels by watching her actions. 

Writing the scene from inside a character's head allows readers to watch and guess why the characters are acting and how they feel. It makes them part of the story, not a spectator on the sidelines getting a detailed play by play of the action.

Look at your current story--what point of view are you using? Do you have one POV character per scene? Do you show the scene through their eyes? Are you describing things that POV character wouldn't know or be able to see (common in weak or unfocused POVs)?
Try picking a POV style you're comfortable with and writing the story with that POV. For new writers, it's much easier to pick one or two characters and write from their POVs only. Trying to show the entire story from multiple characters or an omnificent narrator is difficult to do until you get the hang of it.

If you're not sure which POV style you prefer, try writing a scene from both a third person and a first person perspective. Odds are one will feel more natural for you, and for the story itself.

2. Control Your Narrative Distance

Narrative distance is how close readers feel to the story. A close narrative distance makes them feel inside the narrator's head (such as in first person), while a far narrative distance makes them feel as though they're standing off to the distance watching (such as in omniscient third person). A closer narrative distance feels more immediate and intimate, as though the story is happening in the moment as the reader reads it. The farther the narrative distance, the more detached and impersonal the story feels.

Where you put your narrator determines how close readers feel to your story. If you're inside the head of a character seeing the world through their eyes, readers will feel a part of the narrative. If you're explaining the story from a distance, readers will be kept at a distance and not connect to the characters the same way.

For example:

Far narrative distance: It's over, Bob thought, realizing she'd never forgive him for hurting her.

Close narrative distance: He sank to the floor, numb. It's over. She'll never forgive me for this.

Narrative distance is closely linked to point of view, as you can see by these examples. The farther the narrative distance, the more detached the point of view feels. The closer the distance, the more personal the POV. The two worked in tandem to dramatize (show) the story.

Look at your current story--what narrative distance are you using? Does it feel like the characters are living the story, or like someone outside the story explaining what's going on? 

Does it jump around from close to far depending on what's happening? 

Try revising for consistency. Pick a narrative distance you're comfortable with and keep everything in the story at that distance. Some red flag words to look for that often mean you're telling more than showing include, realized, knew, decided, because, and felt. If you see a lot of these words in areas that also feel a little distant, odds are you're telling from a far narrative distance.

If you're not sure what narrative distance you prefer, try writing a scene from both a close and a far distance and see which one reads better, and which is easier for you to write. But remember--the goal isn't to tell readers everything and explain the scene, it's to show them enough details so they can figure out the what and why by observation.

3. Show What the Characters Do, Not What They Intend to Do

Once you have a solid understanding of point of view and narrative distance, you'll be able to show what the characters do and bring the story to life. Stories are about interesting people solving interesting problems in interesting ways. So show what they do, not what they plan to do. 


One of the most common "tells" is to explain motive. My favorite example is simple, yet something writers write every single day:

She reached over to pick up the cup.

Here, we see the action (she reached over) but then the reason why is explained (to pick up the cup). We never actually see her pick it up, because the action isn't described--just the intent to do it. To turn this from told to shown, we'd change one word:

She reached over and picked up the cup.

Now we see the action and can guess that she reached over to pick up the cup, because we see her reach and then pick up the cup.

While this is a small tell (and writers do it all the time), it's a great example of how easy it is to explain motive and not actually show the action in the scene. Some common red flag words for explaining motive include, to [verb], when, decided, because, in order to, and tried.

Not only will showing the action make scenes feel more immediate and alive, they'll keep readers invested in what's going on, because they won't be told everything ahead of time.
For example, if your character thinks, "All I need to do is sneak past the guards and slip out that window and I'll be able to escape," and then you show him sneaking across the room, you lose all the tension. Readers already know the goal (to get to the window and escape) and they assume it'll happen, because you just told them it would. So there's no suspense and no reason to keep reading.

But if you just have the character start sneaking and working his way across the room while guards patrol mere feet away and readers aren't told why...then readers will wonder what he's up to and why he's risking getting caught. They'll keep reading to find out. Tension stays high and there's something they want to know--does he escape and how.

Look at your current story--how often are your characters thinking about what they plan to do instead of actually doing it? Are they "deciding" to act? "Trying" to act? Moving to "do something" but are never shown physically doing it? Revising these simple explanations turn a flat scene with nothing happening into a scene with lots of action.

And don't forget--"action" doesn't mean the life or death explosion-heavy scenes from a summer blockbuster movie. Action is just characters physically doing something. If they're interacting with the external world they're acting, and that keeps the story moving. If they're thinking and describing what they plan to do, they're internal and not doing anything at all.
Try reworking any scenes that feel too internal with the characters thinking and musing instead of acting. Look for ways to dramatize those plans.

Bringing a story to life is all about making it real for readers. Half the fun of reading is figuring out what's going on and why the characters are behaving as they do. The more we explain those reasons, the less reason readers have to read our stories. But when we show characters acting in intriguing ways and readers have to work to figure out why--they can't stop turning the pages.

What do you struggle with in your writing? What's keeping your scenes from coming alive? 

For more on showing and not telling, check out my book, Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting it), and learn what show, don't tell means, how to spot told prose in your writing, and why common advice on how to fix it doesn't always work. 

Today Seekerville is giving away an ecopy of Understanding Show, Don't Tell: (And Really Getting It) in honor of Janice's visit!   Winner announced in the Weekend Edition.

Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of The Healing Wars trilogy and the Foundations of Fiction series, including Planning Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, a self-guided workshop for planning or revising a novel, the companion Planning Your Novel Workbook, and Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft.  She's also the founder of the writing site, Fiction University. For more advice and helpful writing tips, visit her at www.fiction-university.com or @Janice_Hardy.

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