She Said WHAT?

The other day at the zoo, I could NOT say the right word for anything. I had embarrassing slip-ups like this:

Man in primate line with wife beside him says to me: “So ones like this are pretty much extinct from what I gather. In fact, this might be the last actual one like it in the world.”

(Monkeys, people. The man was talking about some rare, exotic monkey.)

This will be important to note BECAUSE, the next (set of stupid) things I said was: “Wow. That’s kinda sad. You know that for certain?”

Man (laughing): “Yeah, sadly my mind is filled with all kinds of useless facts like that.”

Me: “Well, I guess it’s good that you’re well-endowed.”

The man's upper body jerked as this half-horrified, half-humored look crossed his face. Amused glee then his hand hurled to his mouth. A blast of snickers clutched and spiraled him sideways. His shoulders quaked like a rumbling volcano until he blew. Doubled over in a face-to-sidewalk maneuver, he kept laughing.

And laughing.

He alternated between chuckling and strangling and howling. Like, seriously, I have never heard sounds like that wheeze out of a person’s throat before.

People stared. Endangered monkeys stared.

All I could do was blink and wonder what the heck…

His (GORGEOUS!) wife turns slowly and gives first him, then me, The Stare of Death…which made him laugh harder which is when I performed mental word recall on the conversation and realized I said, “well-ENDOWED” when I meant “well-INFORMED.”

What could one do but walk away? Seriously, there was NO getting gracefully or tactfully out of that one.

Not for me.

And I’m sure not for that guy on the arctic ride home.

Stuff like that happened ALL DAY. I’m serious. Someone should have checked my blood sugar.

Problem is, I misspeak ALL the time but don’t mean to. Until recently, I was oblivious to how amused my friends are by it. Hey, I have purpose! LOL.

I think I have some valid hypoxia problem in my brain. A block or physical disability that won’t let me log the right word in or let the right word out. Wrong Word Usage afflicts my writing too. Thankfully for my readership and editors, I MOSTLY do it when speaking. Unfortunately, that’s sometimes when I’m PUBLIC speaking…like they have me come there ON PURPOSE to talk to their group. Imagine.

WWU-not a good hindrance to have when people look up to you as a wordsmith. Thankfully most extend grace and laugh about it.

Other Stupid Stuff I’ve said:

Pilfer instead of Filter
Pathetic for Prophetic
Altercation instead of Alteration (typed)
Hedonism instead of Heroism (typed)

Said “White SKIRT” rather than SHIRT (okay other than I said it in the context of not being able to wear a pink bra under it). My (sarcastic & snorting) friend replied, “Most can’t.”

Death instead of Debt. (Pathetically, I’ve done this twice. Once while saying to a friend, “All those credit cards, girl, you’re destined for death.” (Meant debt) Another time I said, “You should avoid death (meant debt) at all costs, it’s tough to get out of.”

Adultery rather than Infancy

Fish hackery rather than Hatchery (to a group of little kids)

Intoxicated rather than Sophisticated (at a job interview. No, I didn’t get it. LOL!)

Macadamic (no, it’s not a word) instead of Academia

Woodie instead of Wedgie (Trust me, you do NOT want to know)

Semi-conscious chocolate chips instead of semi-sweet (I don’t know how I did either)

Viagra instead of Allegro-as in steak sauce marinade. Store managers tore up shelves looking for it because I INSISTED I get it here all the time.

“They’re all very debilitating” (instead of “dependable”) in a public comment about our pastors.

Subscription rather than prescription-bad since I’m an RN. To my credit though, a physician dictated, “Patient is a twenty year old PRIMATE” rather than “Primip” on a patient’s chart dictation.

Said (leaving church), “I’m ravished.” Meant, “Famished.”

I accidentally titled Harlequin’s lovely, sweet and talented Sarah McDaniel an “Editorial Assassin” rather than an “Editorial Assistant” in an official correspondence. But that one was actually NOT my fault. My BlackBerry’s auto-correct changed the word without my permission or knowledge and the e-mail sent before I caught it. LOL! Thankfully Sarah has a sense of humor.

I do, say, type, think multitudes of these daily.

So what I NEED is for all of you to make me feel better by typing in the comment section a funny (or horrible! LOL) Wrong Word Usage you’ve read, heard, written or said.

Seven commenters get my seventh book, Steadfast Soldier, FREE. Talk away! Include your e-mail address.

Thanks for letting me be transparent about my greatest weakness (Or purpose! Oblivious Amusement, remember? LOL) as a writer.

What's yours?