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Word Pictures by Mary Connealy

This is the cover of Deep Trouble, my May release.


Find out more here.

The cover has nothing to do with this days blog it is just pasted in here as part of a totally shameless plug for my May release. Did I mention it's titled Deep Trouble?

I've been playing around with this as an exercise in writing. See what you can do with it.

Take the first sentence (or the last) and shine it up. It actually can take a surprisingly long time, this revision thing, but it is absolutely WORTH IT.

In an action scene, to really make things MOVE it needs to be polished and mangled and reworded, cut, add, cut again.

Comedy may actually take MORE work than action.

This line below, the first one, could go funny, it could go furious, I picked my own way and it kind of surprised me the way I picked.

So go for it, if you've got the time.

1) It's my birthday," he said. "You should have brought me a card!

2)The boy was angry at the mailman. He said, It's my birthday. You should have brought me a card!

3) The ten-year-old boy shook his fist at the disappearing mailman. It's my birthday. You should have brought me a card.

4) It's my birthday! The ten year old boy saw the empty mail box. Disappointed, he covered his sadness with anger and turned toward the disappearing pickup. Shaking his fist, he yelled at the mailman, You should have brought me a card!

5) Excited as he raced down his sloping front lawn, Jeffrey's white blonde hair blew across his eyes in the cold fall breeze. He left behind the mouth watering scent of the chocolate birthday cake his mom always baked for him. Leaves scattered and crunched under his ragged white Nike's.

He got to the road only seconds after Mr. Sampson had driven away with the spitting sound of wheels on gravel. Jimmy slapped the front of his new blue jeans and red Cornhusker sweatshirt, now coated with dust. He'd put on his best play clothes because of the special day.

With a sharp creak of its rusty hinges, he pulled open the cold metal door of the mail box that was shaped like a green tractor and peeked in at nothing empty. Dad had forgotten again.
He turned toward the disappearing black pickup. Tears bit at his eyes but he told himself it was the blowing dirt. His big brother would never let him forget it if he cried. Instead he narrowed his eyes and shook his fist at that nice old man.

It's my birthday! His voice faded to a whisper as he walked toward the house, his shoulders slumped, his feet dragging. You should have brought me a card.

Describe using the five senses:

Seeing

Hearing

Smelling

Touching

Tasting

Feeling words in body language not in words. 'He was angry' is boring to a reader. Instead, his teeth clamped together and he glared.

Set the scene:

What's his lawn look like?

His mail box?

What time of year is it?

Is he inside or outside?

Alone or with someone?

How does he feel? If you do it right, the reader will not only KNOW how he feels, they'll feel it too. They won't just know he's sad, they'll BE sad



Mary Connealy writes fun and lively romantic comedy with cowboys for the inspirational market. She is the author of the successful Lassoed in Texas, Montana Marriages, and Sophie's Daughters series. She is a Rita Award and Christy Award finalist and a two time Carol Award winner. She lives on a ranch in Nebraska with her husband and has four grown daughters and two spectacular grandchildren (pictures available upon request).



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This post first appeared in Seekerville October 7, 2008.

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