LAYERING AS YOU GO: INTERNAL DIALOGUE AND CHARACTER VOICE

Welcome back for Part THREE of “Layering As You Go!”

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In Part One (Clickhere)I shared how I personally like to layer my manuscript “as I go” — periodically pausing throughout the writing rather than facing the immensity of a bare bones manuscript to flesh out after typing “The End.” I highlighted a number points that layering may involve and, in Part Two (Click here), we had some fun with revealing emotion through the use of body language and facial expressions.

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So this month let’s take a deeper look at another element of layering.

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LAYERING: Internal Dialogue and Character Voice

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For some of you, internal dialogue and character voice may not be familiar concepts. If well done, these elements of layering will have subconsciously drawn you into many of your favorite stories. But they might not be something you’ve yet truly “recognized” or incorporated into your own manuscripts. These elements play a major role in what you may have heard called “Deep Point of View” (aka Deep POV).

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Deep POV can, when applied well, enrich your story in amazing ways, allowing a reader to glimpse the inner workings of your character’s mind and strengthening your story emotionally. The elements we’ll touch on today aren’t rules—they are tools. If overdone or done poorly, they can defeat their purpose of pulling your reader into the story and actually jerk them out of it.

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One of the simplest Deep POV layering “tricks” is to be alert be to the use of phrases such as “he felt,” “he heard,” “he saw,” “he thought,” “he wondered,” “he realized,” “he knew” and other similar “telling” phrases. They tend to distance readers rather than draw them in.

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As I mentioned in Part Two of this series, there is nothing WRONG with naming an emotion. It’s the same with using these “telling” phrases. But vary it. For example:

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Instead of: He felt hot.

How about: Sweat trickled down the back of his neck.

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Instead of: He wondered where she was going.

How about: Where was she going?

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Instead of: He realized she didn’t like what he’d said.

How about: Clearly, she didn’t like what he’d said.

OR this: A crease formed between her brows as she contemplated his words.

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Instead of: She heard his horse whinny.

How about: His horse whinnied.
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Instead of: She wished he’d look at her with love in his eyes.
How about: Would he ever look at her with love in his eyes?
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Instead of: She noticed he didn’t look happy.
How about: He didn’t look happy.
OR this: His lips curved decidedly downward.
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This is very simple layering/rephrasing that can increase emotional impact.
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Another simple (and fun) layering technique is bringing out in both dialogue and internal dialogue a character’s “voice.” Now, this can be overdone to the point it becomes tiresome or even irritating. So use this technique sparingly. A light seasoning.
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For this technique, you consider the deep point of view of your character—how they would think? An 1800’s Montana cowboy and a modern-day New York interior designer might be watching a sunrise, but isn’t it likely they’d think of it or comment on it in much different ways? In keeping with their experiences and oftentimes their gender?
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In my first published book, “Dreaming of Home,” I could have written the thoughts of ex-Navy corpsman Joe Diaz like this: He watched his son race down the winding dirt path, arms outstretched.
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But I wrote it like this: He watched his son race down the winding dirt path, arms outstretched as he wove from side to side like a fighter jet honing in on an aircraft carrier.
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And in my “Second Chance Courtship” I could have written cowboy hero Trey Kenton’s thoughts like this: But tonight she didn’t look as if she intended to stick around long.
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Instead, I wrote: But tonight her eyes were that of a filly fixin’ to bolt.
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So that you can see how deep point of view can enhance a passage in your manuscript (and understand why I overshoot my publisher’s word count if I wait to layer until the book is done), below is a bare-bones (“talking heads”) example from my first published book, “Dreaming of Home.” Joe Diaz, our hero, has just answered a land-line call from Carmen—the sister of his deceased wife Selena—who is threatening to legally take his child from him. The heroine is across the room with Joe’s little boy...
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“I’d appreciate it if you’d have the courtesy to use my cell number.”
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“Afraid the kid will answer?”
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“Promise me.”
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“Okay, but I’m not going to say anything to upset him. I’m the one who wants what’s best for Davy. I love that kid, remember?”
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That’s what I started with. It’s okay as is. It gets the point across and sometimes that’s all you need, but I wanted readers to get inside Joe’s head, to know how he’s feeling during this call, and for him to think in terms an ex-Navy man might use. Here’s what I ended up with...
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He lowered his voice. “I’d appreciate it if you’d have the courtesy to use my cell number.”
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“Afraid the kid will answer?”
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“Promise me.”
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“Okay, but I’m not going to say anything to upset him. I’m the one who wants what’s best for Davy. I love that kid, remember?”
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Staring out the window, teeth clenched, he remained silent. Love. She might be—of all things—a social worker by vocation, but she didn’t have a clue about love or she wouldn’t keep pursuing this.
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Carmen sighed and he pictured her face so similar to his wife’s, yet character so different. Selena’s nature had been whimsical and uncomplicated and, yes, sometimes maddening. While her sibling donned an equally beguiling demeanor it was surface only. Like a sub lurking beneath glassy seas, her deeper regions housed warheads of single-minded tenacity when it came to getting something she wanted. And what she had her sights on, ever since she learned she couldn’t have children, was Davy.
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So today, see if you can rewrite the examples below to eliminate the “telling” words and (if you’re feeling adventurous), spice up one or two with bit of “voice.” Remember, though, that the latter should be anything but heavy handed as it can get real old real fast. Don’t have your fictional people think/speak out of character--but every thought, every word out of his/her mouth, doesn’t have to be blatantly “colored” to reflect their background/career choice. A little goes a long way.
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If you use analogies in your story, use them clearly, lightly and infrequently. Don’t force your reader to reread your “clever” sentence over and over to make sense of it. Using analogies too frequently—especially convoluted ones which leave your reader going “say what?”--becomes irritating.
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Again, there’s nothing WRONG with a “telling" word, but eliminating many in your manuscript will add impact to your writing. Keep it simple. Don’t try too hard.
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So here we go...!
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She felt upset.
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He thought it looked as if it might rain.
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She noticed he didn’t look well.
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She wondered if she should apologize.
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Have fun!
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Glynna
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If you’d like to be entered in a drawing for a copy of my April Love Inspired release, “Pine Country Cowboy,” please mention it in the comments section, then check our Weekend Edition for the winner announcement!
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Glynna Kaye’s debut book “Dreaming of Home” was a finalist in the ACFW Carol and Maggie awards, as well as a first place winner of the “Booksellers Best” and “Beacon” awards. Her 4 1/2 star “At Home In His Heart” was chosen as a Reviewers Choice finalist by national magazine RT Book Reviews. “Pine Country Cowboy,” her seventh Love Inspired book (and the sixth set in the mountain country of Arizona), is available now—and “High Country Holiday” releases in November!
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No Place Like Home. Abby Diaz longs to reestablish a relationship with her father, so she heads to Canyon Springs, her Arizona hometown, with a painful past she can’t share with anyone. But then she’s needed to care for her young nephew. The little boy takes a shine to a happy-go-lucky cowboy, a handsome man who’s everything Abby can never have. The more time she spends with Brett, the more she realizes he’s harboring a heartache of his own. As she works on repairing family ties with her father, Abby knows that opening up to Brett is key to forging a new future...together.