Below I come with some more samples of show don't tell that I found in my own writing. Earlier I wrote Show Don't Tell Part 1 and gave you examples to see the difference.
In the post “Show Don’t Tell” that I wrote earlier, I used examples from Love’s Miracles that was published by Warner in 1989. In this post, I’m going to use examples from Dream Song published by Warner in 1990.
In Love’s Miracles I ended up not making that many changes. The passive voice seemed to work. But in Dream Song it definitely does NOT work and besides that it is extremely annoying. I was planning to self-publish Dream Song this month, but when reading it, I became so annoyed at the passive redundancy that I decided I definitely need to revise first.
So all this month, I’ve been pondering about why passive voice worked in Love’s Miracles, but not in Dream Song. Here is what I came up with and whether its on target or not is only my guess, but it makes sense to me.
Love’s Miracles is a character driven psychological drama. The characters are so deep and you become so involved in their emotions, that you don’t notice what voice you are reading. There isn’t really much happening physically, but the emotional drama is deep and draws you in.
Dream Song is a romantic suspense. The characters have depth, but a suspense involves a lot of action and screams for active voice. The passive thoughts upon the characters emotions drag down the action and in my opinion became annoying. I truly wanted to throw the book against the wall, but I was reading it on the flight to Atlanta so refrained. smile
I love the characters in Dream Song so you would think that there would be the same depth as in Love’s Miracles. I grew up in the Southwest and was very interested in the Native American tribes. I romanticized their culture and admired the godly premises of the Beautyway. Hubby and I have explored every museum and crawled through every ruin we can find. I used to sit in moqui caves and picture the villages full of action and emotion. I always knew I wanted Native American characters in at least one of my books.
Not being Native American, I did not presume to think I could write as one as their way of viewing their world is so different than mine. So I created characters who were half Native America. Autumn was given up for adoption at birth by her Navajo mother. Autumn was adopted and raised by the O’Niell family. They are a loving family and support her attempt to find her roots with the Navajo. Autumn gets a job on the reservation in hopes of getting to know her estranged family.
While the inner conflict is powerful, too much retrospection as was done in Love’s Miracles slows down the action. Action scenes are easier to deal with when revising. But the emotional elements are more subtle when changing them from passive to active. Let me show you some examples. (Red=old version, purple=revised)
“I say something profound like that, yet here I am fighting to win a place in the hearts of the clan. Strange that I need that identity.”
His brow furrowed slightly. “Why do you need them? You have a family who cares for you. It’s not like you were deprived. In fact, you probably were much better off where you were. The infant mortality rate is high on the reservation.”
“I think every child who is adopted wants to know his or her real family—why she was given away.”
“It isn’t always because you weren’t wanted.”
“Isn’t it?” She searched his expression, trying to determine if he really cared or was just caught by pity.
“There are many reasons people do what they do.”
Several thoughts came to mind, but now was not the time to reflect on them. Some required digging in musty corners that she wasn’t prepared to touch, and she wasn’t about to expose them to the ridicule of a man who could hurt her. She shrugged. “Who knows? I’m sure you don’t care.”
“Try me.”
Sincerity sounded in the gravelly tones, but she had the feeling he was as surprised by it as she. For a moment she was tempted to ask him why. That answer would lead to more questions, such as, why did he treat her with such disdain when they’d had a beautiful relationship growing between them? She wasn’t in the mood to discuss it. Nor was it the time or place.
“Look, I need to check on a few things for Dr. Davidson,” she told him. “I have to get back to work.”
In this example there are several subtle uses of passive voice as well as a couple of obvious uses that I mentioned in the April post.
Obvious uses are the adverbs and the use of the verbs to be, could, and ing verbs. (I hope Grammar Queen doesn’t catch my use of slang here. LOL)
His brow furrowed slightly.
He frowned.
Some required digging in musty corners that she wasn’t prepared to touch, and she wasn’t about to expose them to the ridicule of a man who could hurt her.
Not prepared to dig in musty corners nor expose them to hurtful ridicule.
The subtle uses of passive voice are more difficult to ferret out. Too much verbiage slows down the action and is especially notable in suspense.
“I say something profound, yet I fight to win a place in the hearts of the clan. Strange that I need that identity.”
He frowned. “Why do you need them? Your family cares for you. You were better off where you were because the infant mortality rate is high on the reservation.”
“I think every child who is adopted wants to know his or her real family—why she was given away.”
“It isn’t always because you weren’t wanted.”
“Isn’t it?” She searched his expression, trying to determine if he really cared or was just caught by pity.
“There are many reasons people do what they do.”
Several thoughts came to mind, but not prepared to dig in musty corners nor expose them to hurtful ridicule, she shrugged them aside. “Who knows? I’m sure you don’t care.”
“Try me.”
Did he care? The man who treated her with disdain after they’d had a beautiful relationship? Not in the mood to pursue these questions, she straightened, “I have to get back to work, check on a few things for Dr. Davidson.”
Did you notice how I trimmed the word count in the revised passage above? Doesn’t it read smoother and at a faster pace?
Did you notice the repetition of the same idea? It wasn’t the time or place was mentioned twice.
The last paragraph has a plenty of subtle passivity.
Sincerity sounded in his gravelly voice-- This is telling what his voice is like.
But she had the feeling-- This is telling the reader she has a feeling –
For a moment she was tempted…-- There is that verb to be again.
She wasn’t in the mood – ditto
Let’s look at some other examples:
“Whoever was here more than likely followed us to make sure we were clear of the blast. They’ll know.”
His words didn’t ease her apprehension. She grasped the turquoise nugget as the possible dangers played around in her head. One thing she felt certain of—they had to get the remaining artifacts to safety. The thought quickened her pace as she hurried the half-mile down the canyon to the kiva and Dr. Davidson.
This scene is telling us there is apprehension and need for action. So instead of telling, this is a classic example of the need to show. Don’t tell the reader Autumn is apprehensive. Don’t tell the reader Autumn has possible dangers playing around in her head. Don’t tell the reader Autumn needs to get the artifacts to safety. Show don’t tell.
“Whoever was here more than likely followed us to make sure we were clear of the blast. They’ll know.”
Autumn quickened her pace down the canyon. “We have to get the remaining artifacts to safety.” She grasped her turquoise nugget. “Only a half mile to go.”
Hopefully these few samples help to clarify the difficult concept of show don’t tell. Please feel free to comment or share examples from your own writing.
If you ever travel through “Color Country” you must try the Indian fry bread. You won’t be sorry. Since we are on the Navajo reservation, the women at the roadside rest are serving your choice of fry bread with honey or fry bread with beans. Yum And if you have time you might want to look at their jewelry and blankets.
Remember there are no comments this Friday so we can get on with Speedbo. Go Speedbo.
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