Connie Marquise ~ Facing Fear

FACING FEAR
I have many goals. One of which is to be published.
I have many fears. One of which is to be published.
Becoming a finalist in the Touched By Love Contest of the FHL Chapter led to my being asked to be guest blogger here today. Both experiences had me cowering under my desk! Not comfortable, in more ways than one. (Oh, my aching back!)
I’m ecstatic to be a finalist. So proud. It’s a step in the right direction, and the feedback was invaluable.
It took me two days to tell my husband. No one else knows, except now you guys, of course.
I am also terrified. It’s a Giant Leap in the right direction. But . . . Can I deliver? DO I DESERVE THIS?
Ten years ago, when I quit writing, I convinced myself that life intervened. I needed to concentrate my efforts elsewhere. When actually I’d been near success--an editor having asked for rewrites, with detailed specifics.
I know. The writer’s dream.
Or more specifically, MY nightmare. I love the creating process. Re-writing per my critique group. Sending off that entry to faceless judges. Feedback, positive or negative. No pressure...I mean, would those who volunteered their time ever know if I changed that sentence, conflict or character?
If I didn’t produce, my critique group was there to commiserate life’s misfortune with me. If I didn’t enter, there was no feedback. More importantly, no negative feedback.
No positive, either.
But when you don’t think you deserve the positive, the negative reinforces your belief system.
I’ve probably lost some of you by now. But if what I’m hearing around town is true, eighty-five percent of you are still with me. Saying, “She’s describing ME. I didn’t think anyone else felt this way.”
I’m not published (yet). By that, I’m confessing I didn’t live up to that editor’s hopes for me or my ‘baby’. I sabotaged it, let life intervene, believing I neither could attain it nor deserved it.
And now here I am, with a talent I believe God is urging me to use again, and I had to physically make myself NOT open that Solitaire game instead of my WIP. He brought me close to success before, so I knew I had talent. But I believe I wasn’t writing in the genre He wanted me to, so He didn’t bring me through it. Ah, placing blame where it belongs! Back on my own shoulders.
I see a pattern here. One I’d like to break. I have rejection letters. Every last one encouraged me to continue writing, but they were rejections, nonetheless. Family and friends were more dejected than I. I was right where I thought I should be.
God had more faith in me than I had in myself. And in these ten years, I’ve grown, not only physically J , but spiritually. I’ve learned to place my fears in God’s hands--not easy. I am right where HE wants me to be. I’d like to continue on His path.

One of my core beliefs is that if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Just thinking about writing this blog has stretched me to look deep into myself. I went online to explore my fear of success. Do you have any idea the number of websites dedicated to self-help topics like this? I was amazed. You mean I’m not the only one who desires and fears success? In delving deeper into this fear, I was drawn to the self-esteem page. Did you know that people who suffer from this “consider themselves unworthy of being cared for. Are poor risk takers. Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others. Are fearful of conflict. Are susceptible to all kinds of fears. Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities and good points. Find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others. . .”
HELLO!
In other words, ME!
Not only did this site clearly identify my phobias, it gave me concrete steps to assess and improve myself. I believe God led me to this information. Therefore, He must desire my success this time. Right? And who am I to argue with God?
Why would success intimidate someone?
I’ve thought about this a lot and have concluded that with success will come change. Change is the unknown. I’m a stayer. Yet, you can get used to anything. I’ve learned this in life--in the jobs I’ve held, in the people I’ve known, in the places I’ve moved, in being away from family.
So why not get used to success?
My new motto is taped below my keyboard: Take a chance on me! Every time I open it, I read it. I plan to embrace the change. To go with the flow (cliché alert). If I can get used to anything, why not success? Why not being published?
Everywhere I go now, whether on the internet or outside my home, I sense encouragement coming at me from every direction. At mass last week, our pastor’s message could have been written for me. He said yes, Jesus wants us to come as we are--sinners, the weak and lame, us cowards. But after we come, He doesn’t want us to stay as we are. He wants us to be transformed. God wants us to change. He encourages us to change. He’s given us the means to change.
He brought me to this blog. He brought me through this blog. And I feel a sense of accomplishment, not looming disaster. I’m still AT my computer desk, not UNDER it! Pretty amazing for me. I like the feeling. I wish it for all of you.
If anyone’s interested in a great self-help website, I recommend http://www.coping.org/. Go to Tools for Personal Growth and begin chasing away your own fears! Grabbing your own success. Turning those negative vibes into positive ones.
I’d love to hear from those of you who have your own fears and those of you who’ve conquered your fears.

Happy writing,
Connie Marquise

The true secret of success in any work is to interest Mary in it.