A Light Bulb Moment

A Light Bulb Moment

by Missy Tippens

I was recently critiquing a manuscript for my critique partner, Lindi Peterson, and came across a passage of description that really jumped out at me. And I realized how boring my recent writing had been. For example, if I was writing a scene about a character going out on her deck or patio, I might say:

I walked out and breathed in the fresh air, taking in all the green around me. Birds chirped as I relaxed on the patio furniture. I closed my eyes and wished I could bottle this feeling. Total peace.

Okay, so that’s not horrible. I wrote it off the top of my head, trying to pretend as if I’m plowing through the first draft of my manuscript.

Let me show you the excerpt of Lindi’s manuscript that I was critiquing…

Lindi’s excerpt from Her Crazy Love (work in progress, not sold yet):

The early September evening is still warm. The green leaves on the trees hang in the stillness of the air. Tall pines shoot up toward the sky, their skinny trunks, straight as rulers, hiding their strength. I cross my arms, fully aware of the body language I’m exhibiting. My chin points slightly upward.

Wasn’t that so much better? I especially loved the way she described the pine trees.

Then I had a light bulb moment. You, too, can write this. Of course, I knew that already, so go ahead and call it a blonde moment if you wish. :) Or a "duh" moment. But description is something I'm really working to improve this year. So I was reminded if I don't get it on the first draft, I can get it on the second draft. (And yes, Lindi assured me she wrote this on subsequent drafts while layering.)

So let’s play. Here’s my original paragraph again:

I walked out and breathed in the fresh air, taking in all the green around me. Birds chirped as I relaxed on the patio furniture. I closed my eyes and wished I could bottle this feeling. Total peace.

Okay, so it’s basically a travel log of character motions. She walked. She breathed. She noticed the colors. She heard birds. She closed her eyes and felt peaceful.

BORING. Oh, my. But I'm so guilty of this travel log writing!

Okay, fine. I’ll live with that for a first draft. But now I want to fill it in as I make several more passes through the passage. Making it richer.

I walked out into the hot, steamy evening, hoping for a relief from the heat. And then sure enough, a slight breeze blew the hair off my neck and brought with it a breath of fresh air.

Breath of fresh air?? Cliché alert!! Let’s try harder than that. And let’s make it a little more personal and detailed while we’re at it…

I walked out into the hot, steamy evening, hoping for relief from the stifling heat. And then, just as the air-conditioned room on the other side of the door began to call my name, a slight breeze blew the hair off my neck and brought with it a hint of fall.  Cool, fresh air we hadn’t felt since May. Not since the last time I’d seen my mother.

Ooh, where did that come from? Okay, so I added a little conflict there at the end. That was fun. Let’s continue…

I walked out into the hot, steamy evening, hoping for relief from the stifling heat. And then, just as the air-conditioned room on the other side of the door began to call my name, a slight breeze blew the hair off my neck and brought with it a hint of fall. Cool, fresh air we hadn’t felt since May. Not since the last time I’d seen my mother.

I took in the fading, late-summer green of the trees in Mom’s back yard. Flowers that had been neglected since she left struggled against weeds that tried to choke them out. Tears nearly choked me as I retreated into a chair and prayed for peace.

Peace that wouldn’t come.

Now, that’s better.  But I’d still like to tweak it a bit. I think I could have chosen some better, stronger words. Plus, I realized it made no sense that she’s stepping out of the air-conditioned house and into the summer heat to get relief. :) I also wanted to show something more about the character and evoke more emotion.

I stalked out into the hot, steamy evening, hoping for relief from the stifling heat of the overcrowded kitchen. And then, as I was about to escape through the sliding glass door into the air-conditioned bedroom that offered respite from my crazy family, a slight breeze blew the hair off my neck and brought with it a hint of fall. Cool, fresh air we hadn’t felt since May. Not since the last time I’d seen my mother.

The fading, late-summer green branches of the pecan trees swayed in the breeze as if reaching out for me, like a mother’s arms. Flowers that had been neglected since Mom left struggled against weeds that tried to choke them out. Tears nearly choked me as I retreated into a chair and prayed for peace.

Peace that wouldn’t come.

Of course, I added many words. So you may want to plan to come in on the low side of your word count on your first draft because you’ll be adding words on subsequent drafts. So, here’s a recap of a few ways to improve your description:

1.  Use the senses.

2.  Make it personal and detailed.

3.  Add conflict.

4.  Strong word choices.

5.  Show characterization (what would my character notice?) and emotion (how would she feel about it?).

And now I have a challenge for you! I know it’ll be tough to choose, but I’ll pick one winner for a $10 online gift certificate of your choice (Starbucks, Amazon, etc.). All you have to do is write your own description (100 WORD LIMIT!!) of a scene I’ll give you. I know 100 words is nearly impossible. But make those words count!

Describe your character walking into a church for the first time. (Can be first time ever or first time in this particular church.) Remember, NO MORE THAN 100 WORDS! And while you’re thinking it over, enjoy some Timothy’s Parisian Nights coffee with my new sugar-free hazelnut creamer. And since I’m eating low carb, I’ve got made-to-order omelets for you this morning. Just name your fillings!

Oh, and NEWS FLASH!! I just heard from a reader that she got my newest Love Inspired, A Family for Faith, in her book club order!! So my book has been birthed and it now out in the world! If you’re not in the book club (or don’t take all the books), you can pre-order it by clicking:

here for Amazon.

Or here for B&N

Or here for ChristianBook.com.

Here’s a blurb:

When Faith Hagin sees widower cop Gabe Reynolds every day in her coffee shop, she can't help but feel for the struggling single dad. She's raised a teenager of her own—and sadly, knows what not to do. But thanks to his matchmaking preteen daughter, Chelsea, the whole town's praying for Gabe to find a wife! Even though Faith thinks she's content being just friends, spending time with him and Chelsea starts to feel like a fresh start at having a family. And their love may be the answer to everyone's prayers.