Variety is the Spice of Story (Chapter Beginnings)

The following post appeared in Seekerville a couple of years ago, but I wanted to revisit it. In the next few months, I'll share some very specific problem areas I've worked through in my writing. 

While making a final sweep through Claiming Mariah, my historical romance that released from Tyndale February 2014, I noticed that a lot of my scenes started with the hero or heroine’s name. And those that didn’t, started with some other character.

Sure, we've all heard to start each scene with the POV character, but I don't think the rule literally meant to start with their name. At least not every time.

Once I spotted those repetitions, I couldn’t not notice them. And it really started to get on my nerves.

The more I considered paragraphs that started with Slade did this, Slade said that, Mariah turned, Mariah opened, the more I panicked. How in the world could I fix those beginnings? I got some advice from the Seekers, and some examples showing ways to twist things around, and I started tweaking, rewriting, playing with those beginnings.

Gradually, it started to sink in, and I managed to add variety to my paragraphs and scene openings.

Let’s look at some actual examples of before and after scenes from Claiming Mariah.

BEFORE

Mariah felt like sinking through the kitchen floor. Slade Donovan had caught her staring at him. And to make matters worse, he’d stared right back.

AFTER

A rolling flush swept up Mariah’s neck. Now would be a good time for the kitchen floor to open up and swallow her. Slade Donovan had caught her staring at him. And to make matters worse, he’d stared right back.

In the example above, I got rid of starting the scene with my character’s name and the word felt by showing instead of telling. How did I do it? I read those three sentences, then I closed my eyes and I let myself feel what Mariah felt.

BEFORE

Slade slouched in the saddle and let his gelding find his own way back to the ranch.

AFTER

The creaking of saddle leather broke the silence, but for once the men were silent. Slade slouched in the saddle and let his gelding find his own way back to the ranch.

Use the five senses to your advantage. I didn’t have to start with “The creaking of saddle leather”. I could have described the setting sun, or “Sweat dripped off the end of Slade’s nose”. Visualize the scene and pick one thing to add color or a bit of spice to the opening line and edge your character’s name away from that prime spot.

BEFORE

Slade hefted his saddle onto his horse, his gaze meeting Buck’s. “I’ve got to go into town and get a few supplies. You feel up to going?”

AFTER

“I’m heading into town.” Slade hefted his saddle onto his horse, glancing at Buck. “You want to go?”

Break up the dialogue. Stick a bit of it at the beginning, so that you don’t start with a character’s name every time.

BEFORE

Mariah rose early Monday morning to gather the eggs.

AFTER

While Mariah gathered the eggs, the chickens pecked at the corn she’d scattered on the ground.

The original tells us what Mariah did. The rewrite shows her doing it and paints the scene of what's happening around her, and it manages to push her name out of first place.

BEFORE

Mariah turned from the stove. Dark circles under her brown eyes made them look bigger and more vulnerable than ever.

AFTER

The pink hue of the rising sun peeked over the horizon as Slade made his way back into the doctor’s kitchen. Mariah turned from the stove, coffeepot in hand. Dark circles under her eyes made them look bigger and more vulnerable than ever.

In this instance, I just rewound the scene backward a few seconds, again sprinkling a little spice into the mix.

Now, here's the cool part. When I decided to revisit this post, I looked at the novella I just completed for Barbour Publishing. The Evergreen Bride releases in October 2014 as part of The Twelve Brides of Christmas Collection. I kind of panicked when I realized I didn't review my scene and paragraph openings before sending off my completed novella. Did every one of them start with a character name? Gulp! I was pleased to discover about half of the scenes started with someone's name while others started with dialogue or description. Whew!

Two examples of the way I start scenes in The Evergreen Bride:

As soon as supper was over, dishes washed and the kitchen spotless, Annabelle excused herself to write a letter to Lucy.

The whistle blew as the train passed through another small, sleepy town on its journey north. 

Here are some examples from Seeker books pulled at random off my shelves. These are some great examples of how to vary scene beginnings.

Something slammed into the roof so hard the whole mountain shook. Grace screamed… 

Calico Canyon, Mary Connealy

Wound tighter than a coiled spring, Matt rode into the Circle W stable, stripped leather, then brushed Thunder's coat. 

The Bride Wore Spurs, Janet Dean

At eight o’clock that evening, Katherine donned the altered gown for the dance. 

A Path Toward Love, Cara Lynn James

“Say again?" Gray kept his voice even, unwilling to betray the kick to his gut Cory's softly spoken words generated.

Look-Alike Lawman, Glynna Kaye

“Jeepers, Miss Alli, you really mean it? We're gonna have a real, honest-to-Pete play?" 

Dare to Love Again, Julie Lessman

The night lay thick as Kayla wound her way along familiar roads. 

Winter’s End, Ruth Logan Herne

Shoulders stiff and aching, Donald Russ trudged to his office.

Whisper Goodbye, Myra Johnson

Okay, that’s the lesson for today. Mix it up. Spice it up. Add a little variety to your writing. But...

DON'T OVERDO IT

Don’t try to twist your sentence structure into something God never intended. If the flow…the cadence, if you will…starts sounding weird, change it back, and keep looking for something that does work, but doesn’t change your voice.

And don’t just look at chapter beginnings. Look at how each paragraph starts. Then look at each sentence, one after the other...after the other. Eventually, you’ll notice those repetitive sentences and adjust them automatically.

DO NOT PANIC

There's absolutely nothing wrong with starting scenes and paragraphs with your character's names. As a matter of fact, the bulk of your scenes will start with someone's name. You want to write in such a way that readers' don't notice how you start each scene and paragraph. Variety will accomplish that.

Would you like to play? Throw up a paragraph from your wip that starts with a character’s name, and we’ll have fun twisting the sentence structure around to give you more variety.

TWO CHANCES TO WIN TODAY

Today’s giveaway is a signed copy of Claiming Mariah. Just let me know if you've entered the Kindle giveaway below and you'll be in the drawing for the book.

Pam's Kindle Giveaway 
celebrating the print release of
Claiming Mariah
ends April 30th!!

Don't miss out!

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Pam Hillman was born and raised on a dairy farm in Mississippi and spent her teenage years perched on the seat of a tractor raking hay. In those days, her daddy couldn’t afford two cab tractors with air conditioning and a radio, so Pam drove the Allis Chalmers 110. Even when her daddy asked her if she wanted to bale hay, she told him she didn’t mind raking. Raking hay doesn’t take much thought so Pam spent her time working on her tan and making up stories in her head. Claiming Mariah is her second novel. www.pamhillman.com

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